NORRISTOWN, Penn. — Single, long-time unemployed man Robbie “Mooch” Hartwig reached out to friends from his parents’ attic this morning after “finally taking a good look in the mirror” and deciding he desperately needed their input to improve his fantasy football team, according to sources microwaving a slice of bread with a Kraft American single on it.
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BLOOMFIELD — Researchers “looking for a stiff drink” have compiled overwhelming evidence that the bar they entered also serves as a fully functional house, sources trying not to stare at the family photos while they urinate confirm.
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AVALON — UPMC customer Josh Clifford had no idea a neat little surprise awaited him when he got home from work today.
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The Heinz Kraft Company plans to release a pumpkin ketchup in the Pittsburgh area because “fuck you, you’re going to buy this bottled viscous shit, aren’t you?”, representatives at the food giant bet today.
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STOWE TOWNSHIP — Local man George Rowe reportedly instructed his son yesterday on how to “hit the 57” of a glass Heinz bottle to stimulate the flow of ketchup with the wisdom and reverence of a master swordsman teaching a plucky youth destined for greatness the way of the blade.
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PENN TOWNSHIP — Local dive regular Lou Parker has begun looking “dangerously well and high-spirited” since Covid-19 restrictions have forced him to eat between orders of light beer and shots of Imperial whiskey, concerned sources report.
Continue readingWe just wanted to thank all our YouTube subscribers out there with perhaps the most in-depth and exhaustive coverage local sports we’ve produced yet. Enjoy and thank you!
SHARPSBURG — Local therapist Sabrina Donovan advised a new client yesterday to “quit pushing all [their] problems on friends, family, and coworkers” and instead attribute fault exclusively to Steelers coach Mike Tomlin, according to relieved sources.
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The PIAA’s announcement to carry on with its fall sports schedule as planned has excited residents throughout the Greater Pittsburgh Area. In the current environment, however, it’ll be hard for parents to interact in ways that feel meaningful. That’s why we’ve tested three popular video call apps to let you know how you might best tell your kid’s fall sports coach that they’re a useless sack of shit who couldn’t tell their ass from a hole in the ground.
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