MARS — Hall-of-fame Penguins broadcaster Mike Lange reportedly expressed confusion and dismay yesterday after realizing team staff had pulled him from his cryogenic chamber in July instead of September.
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NORTH SHORE — Pirates owner and billionaire Bob Nutting greeted the Blue Jays organization today by including in each hotel room two coupons for a free appetizer on any otherwise full-priced stay at Seven Springs, sources who would’ve just been happy with a handshake confirm.
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BELLEVUE — Closely following the Riverhounds since their return to play, local “sports addict” Jack Mosley believes he has finally started to understand soccer except the game’s strategies, positions, most basic rules, and the name of Pittsburgh’s USL franchise, sources with two beers yelling “tackle him” report.
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Whoa whoa whoa — where do you think you’re going there, bud? Absolutely not. I can’t be letting you in wearing a shirt like that. This is a bar that knowingly defies all state regulations designed to protect people during a pandemic, not fashion anarchy.
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To the thousands who crowd the streets of Bloomfield every year for Little Italy Days:
The organizers of this annual event cannot thank you enough for the outpouring of support we’ve experienced. It’s what makes this message harder than ever.
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CARNEGIE — Despite a recent uptick in COVID-19 cases in Allegheny County, local man Paul Wright continues to refuse to wear a mask in public because he believes it makes him look stupid, the 34-year-old confirmed today while lounging in a child’s pool in his “absolute favorite” ‘Drink Up Yinz Bitches’ cutoff.
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MYRTLE BEACH, S.C. — Myrtle Beach’s emergence as a COVID-19 hot spot has rendered the annual Sarcinelli family vacation “even more life-threatening than usual,” sources riding a go-kart blindfolded with a case of Keystone Light confirm.
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HAYS — “Community hero” Kevin Wilson punched through a car window yesterday to rescue a 30-pack of Iron City left in the backseat that would’ve otherwise turned “so warm you might only be able to stomach three or four of them,” according to sources hoping to pass a local ordinance to ensure it doesn’t happen again.
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It’s just the worst: you’re in one of the city’s hottest neighborhoods, idly protesting a horrific cycle of unchecked police brutality, when BOOM — you realize in the middle of being attacked by a chemical weapon outlawed in the Geneva Convention that you haven’t eaten ALL DAY.
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