I’ve gone too far this time. That’s it, I’m done for. Jesus, why am I such an idiot?

“You’ve done this a hundred times before; you just feel a little different,” I told myself. “Just blast the cold air right on you and you’ll be fine,” I said. “Nothing bad will happen to you. You’re too smart,” I insisted. Shows what I know. Please, honestly, I just need your help…ANY help.

You guessed it: I’m currently at Eat n’ Park and — dear God, I can’t believe I’m saying this right now — I’m stone sober.

ON A RAGING SEA BACK TO THE MEDITERRANEAN — The final cancellation of Little Italy Days has forced “100% full-blooded” Neapolitan kettle corn vendor Pepe Verratti to abandon his dream of serving the family’s world-famous goods at “the world’s most authentic Italian heritage festival” and seek out the first merchant ship back home, disappointed sources confirm.

AVALON — UPMC customer Josh Clifford had no idea a neat little surprise awaited him when he got home from work today.