The new development plan for the former Civic Arena site “will not be a mere copy” of the North Shore, as local douchebags will be able to live there as well as indulge in overpriced food and binge drinking, Penguins executives and city representatives recently revealed.
Continue readingPage 28 of 34
Stuck at yet another Pittsburgh-based fish fry for Lent, Lord and Savior Jesus H. Christ admitted he “would totally kill a man in cold blood right now” in return for a steak wedgie from Angelo’s in Bloomfield.
Continue reading
Bills QB Josh Allen canceled a rush delivery order of several books on the topic of conflict resolution this morning after reports surfaced that Steelers WR Antonio Brown had blocked a trade to Buffalo, sources sighing in relief recently reported.
Continue reading
Penguins winger Phil Kessel celebrated tallying his 1200th career large pizza last night during the team’s 3-2 overtime win against the Florida Panthers.
“I just have so many people I want to thank,” he said, covered in an array of sweat, tears, and garlic butter. “All my friends and family for always believing I could consume this many large pies entirely on my own, Domino’s for its relentless commitment to delivering pizzas to me in arenas and hotels dotted throughout the continent, and of course the Penguins organization for helping me aim to binge-eat at the highest level these past for years.”
Meanwhile, team captain Sidney Crosby reportedly rewarded himself for reaching 1200 career points with a relaxing post-game CrossFit extreme workout.
Pirates manager Clint Hurdle has reportedly struggled to get himself out of bed this morning and thereby acknowledge the start of his ninth season with the team, according to sources hearing repeated shouts of “No!” and “Why?!” emanate from his room.
Continue reading
Despite the end of winter weather, PennDOT has issued a warning overnight to Pittsburgh motorists reminding them that roadways may still be covered with dangerous patches of other Pittsburgh motorists this morning.
Continue reading
Post-Gazette publisher John Block and his wife spent their Valentine’s Day evening romantically feasting on the blood of a slain common man, the couple fondly reflected upon this morning.
Continue reading
Mayor Bill Peduto has allegedly stood outside Jeff Bezos’s house since early this morning, loudly reciting the Amazon mogul’s favorite tax concessions in hopes of winning him and his company back to the Pittsburgh area.
Continue readingPounding Iron and yelling at grown men who play a game professionally are known rites of passage in Pittsburgh. Even so, we’ve seen this year how even the best of Steelers fans get a bit, uh, unruly.
Then there was Barry.
KDKA will address the firing of a staffer for his lack of “journalistic responsibility” this evening right after 20 minutes of traffic updates and a squirrel on water skis, station sources recently reported.
Continue reading
