PITTSBURGH — Local safety officials finished rescuing several NFL defenders yesterday after the players were discovered late Sunday afternoon stranded partway up Steelers TE Darnell Washington.

Whoa there! It’s me. Here. Now. I am me…me.

But who else would I be if not myself?

Well, let’s grasp at something philosophical, say, to help “me” figure it out.

I think…therefore, ah ha! Yes, I think — therefore, I am.

But what I am, well, I haven’t the faintest of a clue. That won’t do. That clever little Descartes, his witty bits of thought prancing about like a cat — crafty devils, those ones, oh yes indeed — that improbably jumps to and from and off into freedom just the second you think you have it firmly by the whiskers.

GREATER PITTSBURGH AREA — Regional convenience store chain GetGo has unveiled pumpkin spice tire air available immediately to all customers, sources report.

“This exciting new product will act as a perfect complement to our fall offerings like pumpkin spice lattes, pumpkin milkshakes, and the ‘Jack-O-Lantern’ — our chicken sub lathered in pumpkin bisque and then deep fried to perfection,” spokesperson Jan Fulner told reporters. “You’ve been helping yourself to our free air for almost two decades at this point, and now, for a small premium, you’ll be able to fill your tires to your designated PSI using our new patented pumpkin spice technology. Sure, there will be no access to our unscented free air while the seasonal product is offered, but who wouldn’t want to spice up their tires as part of a $250 trip to Trax or Soergel Farms?”

Customer Tamika Hillis was confused and irritated by the new offering.

“The only reason I seek out GetGo is so I don’t have to pay three bucks to fill up my tires, which I obviously have to do more frequently now that it’s getting colder outside,” Hillis said. “The fact that it was free made it tolerable to awkwardly park and wait next to the person who’s always already there filling up their tires. Now I have to pay ten dollars for my tire air just so it smells vaguely like a pumpkin as it’s coming out of the hose? Maybe they should pump it into their bathrooms instead.”

Hillis continued, becoming visibly angrier as she spoke.

“Not everything has to be this pumpkin bullshit, you know?” Hillis noted. “I love to wear hoodies and watch the leaves change color as much as the next person, but having these nasty-ass coffees and beers that taste like pumpkin pie that somebody vomited sugar all over isn’t going to help me enjoy a season that, thanks to the climate change that companies like these are directly causing, is getting shorter and shorter every year. And now you’re telling me that I’m going to be subjected to this when I go to fill up my tires? Fuck that. I’ll just go to Sheetz. Their little product nicknames are stupid, but at least their air doesn’t smell like anything.”

At press time, Sheetz had also announced new “Pumpkin Shpice” tire air, free with purchase of a car wash featuring “Pumpkin Shpice Shoap.”

Article by Steve Packosky (@dontbaketheloaf.bsky.social)

SOUTH SIDE – Steelers quarterback Aaron Rodgers was once again caught watching 2005 9/11 conspiracy documentary “Loose Change” instead of his assigned game film in preparation for their Thursday night match-up against the Bengals, exasperated sources report.

“I’ve discussed this with Aaron,” Mike Tomlin told reporters, “and we both agree that it’s time for him to brush up on the Bengals’ defense and how they’ve adapted their rushing game after Trey Hendrickson’s back injury. A movie with a narrative about how the hole left in the Pentagon on 9/11 was inconsistent with what Boeing 757s had made in prior accidents isn’t going to prepare him for Al Golden’s 4-3 base as well as actual game film does. We both now feel the conspiracy stuff is better utilized in his personal life. He looks better in a black and gold helmet than a tinfoil one, anyway.”

However, Rodgers seemed to have a different understanding of the issue.

“Coach T and I have both agreed that he’d benefit from opening up his mind a bit,” Rodgers noted. “In fact, it seems everybody here would, because you have no idea what’s going on in the world. Maybe doing some research instead of pumping your bodies with vaccines and Tylenol would help you all to realize Big Pharma’s been pulling the wool over your eyes for years. And when it comes to 9/11, do you honestly think our government had nothing to do with it? Please.”

When pressed on what all of this had to do with his performance on the field, he continued.

“The issue has been taken care of,” Rodgers said cryptically. “You can return to your safe little bubbles with your Netflix and your Jimmy Kimmel, and leave the football to me. It’s obvious that you believe your reality is limited to what your senses are telling you. Have you ever been on a life-changing Peruvian ayahuasca journey? I have, and if I feel my enhanced awareness of my surroundings leads me down alternative paths to ensure I’m at the top of my game, I will pursue them. By the way, did you know there were eyewitness reports of unrelated explosions at the ground level of the North Tower?”

At press time, Rodgers was seen trying to goad Broderick Jones into watching the rest of the movie with him.

Article by Steve Packosky

@dontbaketheloaf.bsky.social

NORTH SHORE — Thousands of the country’s most unstable men clad in a hoodie, brown boots, and an NFL or college football jersey gathered on the North Shore today to attend this year’s American Fistfight Convention, sources shouting obscenities about the loved ones of passersby confirmed.