An invasion of crystallized monstrosities meant to wreak unspeakable misery upon humankind, also known as snow, has befallen Pittsburgh, making the city an impassable hellscape that no man or woman should dare try to navigate, eyewitness reports confirm.
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Michigan native Le’Veon Bell has reportedly quit his position at a large Pittsburgh-based operation after upper management refused to approve his paid time off, ending a long-standing conflict between the employee and various personnel within the company.
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The Pittsburgh Penguins brought in a local exorcist to PPG Paints Arena today to drive out stubborn or otherwise inept spirits of years past believed to be contributing to their poor play of late, according to sources close to the situation.
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A group of bros hailing from various parts of Allegheny County celebrated the defeat of a proposal to “victimize” them for .25 mills annually to support programs for children in need with an impromptu bar crawl resulting in more than $600 in charges, hungover sources groggily confirmed this morning.
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The Penguins believe their latest acquisition will prove to be a dramatic improvement on the blue line, team executives said of the road cone after today’s morning skate.
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Local trick-or-treaters and those watching after them be warned: Pittsburgh police and law enforcement in numerous surrounding areas and townships have issued an advisory that certain persons may be inserting priceless family items into kids’ Halloween candy, making it dangerous, if not deadly, to ingest.
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A package addressed to Mayor Bill Peduto was intercepted yesterday, containing a suspicious device armed with near-fatal volumes of Hunt’s ketchup, city officials reported this morning.
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Residents throughout Pittsburgh issued support for city police today after video evidence from last weekend revealed an unruly bar patron using his own face to strike an officer 19 times mercilessly in the fist.
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Directors at Pittsburgh Public Works released their squad’s schedule today for the upcoming snow and inclement-weather regular season.
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Kris Roe is calling for a wide range of Pittsburgh musicians whom he can hire and fire in a furious outburst shortly thereafter for his band’s show Saturday, October 27 at the Smiling Moose, sources close to the Ataris frontman reported this afternoon.
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