The Penguins believe their latest acquisition will prove to be a dramatic improvement on the blue line, team executives said of the road cone after today’s morning skate.

A package addressed to Mayor Bill Peduto was intercepted yesterday, containing a suspicious device armed with near-fatal volumes of Hunt’s ketchup, city officials reported this morning.

Residents throughout Pittsburgh issued support for city police today after video evidence from last weekend revealed an unruly bar patron using his own face to strike an officer 19 times mercilessly in the fist.

Kris Roe is calling for a wide range of Pittsburgh musicians whom he can hire and fire in a furious outburst shortly thereafter for his band’s show Saturday, October 27 at the Smiling Moose, sources close to the Ataris frontman reported this afternoon.

Assigned to yet another project on the highway, PennDOT worker Doug Mitchell expressed his hope to move his family to a nicer part of Parkway West construction within the next couple years.