Middle-aged bro Doug Meiers laments the meaningless nature of today’s fistfights in the South Side compared to those he used to start as early as 2003, the 34-year-old reported last night between Irish Car Bombs.
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Citing its superior effectiveness, the NHL has appointed Ryan Reaves’ right shoulder as director of its Player Safety Department, league executives announced this evening.
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Considered “the best there is” on the matter, Pitt alum and somehow NFL quarterback Nate Peterman gave his alma mater’s players a spirited pep talk on overachieving prior to their taking the field against 27.5-point favorite Clemson, according to sources inside the team’s locker room.
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A ‘game day prep basket’ of malt liquor, lottery tickets, and an adult magazine arrived at Pat Narduzzi’s hotel room this morning, allegedly sent by former coach Dave Wannstedt to help Narduzzi get ready for today’s ACC Championship game, hesitantly thankful sources recently reported.
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Iowa men’s basketball supporters found themselves embarrassed by the constant cursing, taunting, and generally unlikable disposition of a fellow fan during the team’s 69–68 win last night against Pitt, university sources revealed this morning.
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The Pittsburgh Penguins have placed goaltender Matt Murray on long-term injured reserve to return him to the manufacturer for warranty repairs, GM Jim Rutherford confirmed today before assembled media.
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An invasion of crystallized monstrosities meant to wreak unspeakable misery upon humankind, also known as snow, has befallen Pittsburgh, making the city an impassable hellscape that no man or woman should dare try to navigate, eyewitness reports confirm.
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Michigan native Le’Veon Bell has reportedly quit his position at a large Pittsburgh-based operation after upper management refused to approve his paid time off, ending a long-standing conflict between the employee and various personnel within the company.
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The Pittsburgh Penguins brought in a local exorcist to PPG Paints Arena today to drive out stubborn or otherwise inept spirits of years past believed to be contributing to their poor play of late, according to sources close to the situation.
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A group of bros hailing from various parts of Allegheny County celebrated the defeat of a proposal to “victimize” them for .25 mills annually to support programs for children in need with an impromptu bar crawl resulting in more than $600 in charges, hungover sources groggily confirmed this morning.
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