(Article by John Danek, @jjdanek)
PRAGUE — Pittsburgh-based globetrotter Ian Pataki has developed a simple method for determining his favorite and least favorite foreign countries to visit.
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BREEZEWOOD — Local father Dan Porter has terrified his wife, kids, and grandchildren on their drive to the eastern shore by making “sincere, straight-faced” threats to stop in Breezewood, Pennsylvania for an undisclosed duration, according to sources pleading that they are neither hungry nor need to use the restroom.
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(Article by Lauren Tenders)
Summer has returned and, with it, a glimmer of normality ushered in by social gatherings, live entertainment, and — Christ, help us — this guy to our left, Paul, housing two dozen wings with complete disregard to his well-being and dignity.
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SOUTH SIDE – Local bargoer and self-described “champion of the environment” Bart Elliott would gladly finish the remaining several ounces of your domestic draft beer “if you ain’t gonna,” according to sources shouting “Now this is music!” every time an AC/DC or Black Sabbath song comes on the jukebox.
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BELLEVUE — Local father Gary Barnes, 63, is currently sipping on a glass of plain water, completely unaided by added flavor powders, liquids, or an accompanying pour of scotch, several astonished sources confirmed.
“We have to believe age is a key factor,” said head researcher and daughter Crystal Barnes. “I watched him eye up an Old Milwaukee across the patio, but after trying to stand up, he thought better of it. I suppose the 17th kidney stone may have finally been enough. That said, since the Crystal Pepsi Deceit of the early 90s, nobody in the family could believe it was regular tap water until on-site taste tests confirmed it.”
As of press time, Mr. Barnes continued to astound observers, after they all participated in a conversation without his contributing a single prejudiced comment.
WEST MIFFLIN – Local man Bill Fischer appeared in yesterday’s episode of popular MTV program ‘Cribs’ to show off his “lavish penthouse” highlighted by its three bedrooms, basement toilet, and numerous standalone air conditioning units occupying virtually every window of the house.
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BALDWIN — Middle school history teacher Paul Middleford reminded his summer school students this morning that there will be no pizza party to celebrate the end of their post-year program until they’ve completed the “critical” unit on WWE’s 1998 Hell in a Cell event held in Pittsburgh, according to exasperated sources filling in blank quotes from Jim Ross.
“It’s like, we get it, Mr. M,” said eighth-grader Tony Adams. “I promise never to forget, ‘We hold these truths to be self-evident,’ ‘I have a dream,’ and ‘As God is my witness, he is broken in half.’ We brought enough thumbtacks for the life-size model you wanted, can we just have some Pepsi and a half slice of greasy pizza now?”
As of press time, the class was reportedly groaning as Middleford requested a volunteer to wear the cowboy hat “just one last time.”
WEXFORD – Lifetime suburbanite Patrick Faust felt “completely heartbroken” yesterday due to unsubstantiated, speculative claims about the city of Pittsburgh where he has neither lived nor visited more than twice in a calendar year.
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CANONSBURG — A local steak salad made with the intention of “healthy eating” clocked in at a staggering 1400 calories this afternoon, according to unwitting sources claiming it’s “fucking bomb.”
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ATLANTIC OCEAN – A Kraft Heinz tanker sustained substantial exterior damage off the Eastern Shore of Virginia this morning, leading to a “catastrophe-level” spill of crude ketchup in the Atlantic Ocean, according to sources pushing for more stringent restrictions against the food conglomerate.
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