NORTH SHORE — Steelers fans remained cautiously optimistic this morning as NFL insiders have reported that the team is considered the front runner to sign former JV standout linebacker AJ Watt, amateur flag football backup kicker Stuart Watt, and former “refreshment manager” and Kenosha, WI hot dog-eating champion Bubba Watt, all of whom share a distant relation to the NFL’s Watt brothers.
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In light of the perilous road conditions, KDKA viewers should ensure that they demonstrate the utmost level of recklessness when tagging the station at numerous points during this morning’s commute, according to salivating sources staring at ratings reports.
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The ultimate occasion of love and intimacy has arrived: Valentine’s Day. The pandemic may have snuffed out your plans for a ‘traditional’ holiday outing, but luckily the gambino of good vibes and godfather of getting frisky — that’s right — Penguins historian Bob Grove has just what you need to keep things as fun and exciting as 20-year-old Mark Recchi recording his first NHL tally with a timely poke past Winnipeg Jets goaltender Pokey Reddick at the 17:42 mark of the second period in a 7-3 loss on January 20, 1989. If that doesn’t start getting your blood flowing, then check your pulse!
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I mean, it’s not rude if it’s true: I’m from Erie where we get lake-effect snow all the time, so I just have lots of experience — that’s all. As such, I happen to have a better grasp of driving in snow than people in Pitts—oh shit, oh fuck, oh shit — hold on!
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As Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) deftly noted yesterday, for he is far too wise to have said it merely for convenient alliteration, President Biden’s renewed commitment to the Paris Agreement on climate change places the values of a socialist French metropolis over those shared by the rugged populace of Pittsburgh. The soot-covered, ash-covered laborers tolling about our city, be it in CMU’s steel mills or PNC Bank’s ore excavation center, will suffer from this brazen attempt to appease the cancel culture-loving hippy they call “Mother Earth.”
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PITTSBURGH — With the departure of Jack Johnson and Matt Murray, Penguins newcomer Cody Ceci expressed confidence this morning in his ability to fill the team’s substantial need at scapegoat for the 2021-2022 season.
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By Owner and Patriot, John R. Block
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very few years, I make no little effort to convince myself that this hapless bastard we’ve so generously nicknamed ‘voting’ is a blessing, even if only to placate every odious lemming who mills aimlessly about, costing a hard-working oligarch charitable enough to employ the layabout a precious sixpence and himself any modicum of gratuity as I’m forced to suffer the indignity of heating some broth while my DoorDash order grows cold in the, no doubt, dungeon of his passenger seat.
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“Listen, chief, wherefore art thou Romeo?” asked Juliet impatiently. “Your dad’s a dick; just say you’re somebody else, aight?”
As of press time, Romeo had reportedly drunk poison thinking Juliet had taken her own life the same way. Sources say, however, she was just passed out from “pounding too much 151.”
