(Article by Bashir Tanweer, @mexghanistan)
NORTH SHORE — In light of the “immense hardship the franchise faces,” the Pittsburgh Pirates announced today that they will immediately cease all baseball operations and complete the transition to a full-time hat company.
Continue readingOAKLAND — Local resident Rick Bollinger declared this morning that he refused to let several inches of snow that fell overnight ruin the day’s “special” schedule of excessive drinking, despite his doing so nearly every day for more than three decades.
“Ain’t every day you can let loose and crack a few beers without worrying about shit you got to get done,” said Bollinger, who, according to neighborhood sources, leveraged yesterday’s Penguins win, and subsequent celebration, to drink a 12-pack of Lionshead while blasting Motley Crue in his garage. “When else do I get to hang with the guys and toss back a few extra pounders if not on St. Paddy’s Day? Well, outside Steelers and Pitt football games, of course…and Pens games…and when that sweet 80s metal cover band plays at Jergel’s…or when Bobby’s kid’s team makes the WPIAL playoffs…and Thursdays, but the wife usually joins us, so when she has to carry me home instead of Frank, it’s more a couples thing than hanging out.”
As of press time, Bollinger was reportedly sitting at the bar “he barely ever has time for anymore,” where he was served a shot, beer, and bowl of peanuts without saying a word.
We yinzers are utterly spoiled when it comes to sports. Our football and hockey teams have been considered elite by everyone in their respective leagues for decades. And if Pittsburgh were to ever get a professional basketball or baseball team, I’m sure they would quickly establish a winning legacy as well.
This winning reputation can make watching a Pittsburgh-less championship game especially traumatic. This year’s Super Bowl LVI features the Los Angeles Rams and Cincinnati Bengals, neither of which teams are the Steelers, or even one whose players and coaching staff we threaten to mortally wound on a weekly basis. In order to cope with the pain of watching two other teams battle over what is rightfully ours, we here at Pittsburgh Unfiltered present a guide to tweaking your TV so that it kinda almost looks like the black and gold are on the field.
Continue readingHardcore Steelers fan Bill Hixenbaugh completed his yearly transition into a fervent supporter of the Pittsburgh Penguins earlier today, incredulous sources reported amid eye rolls.
Continue readingSHADYSIDE — Despite treacherous conditions, local resident Mitch Hiler has reportedly decided he will undertake “any risk whatsoever” to make certain an Instacart employee manages to reach his home with suitable quantities of milk and bread to last the remaining inclement weather.
Continue readingLAWRENCEVILLE — Panicked resident Huck Warsing rushed to buy alternative milk and sprouted grain bread in preparation for the potential snow accumulation arriving Sunday into Monday, sources wondering if they also should have gotten extra rolls of sustainably sourced, 100-percent recycled toilet paper confirm.
Continue readingWith the holidays over, Valentine’s Day, and a chance to land a perfect gift for those special people in your life, inches ever close — and man, oh man, do we have a deal you don’t want to miss.
Continue readingChristmas miracles are real. Just ask the Schneider family.
Already doubting how Santa could make presents for kids around the world and deliver them all in one night, the Schneider’s four kids were understandably skeptical when their father, Doug, insisted they leave Santa an entire case of Iron City beer to “wet his whistle” during his stop in their Shaler home.
Continue readingAs of press time, area residents reported hearing repeated calls of, “Man, I love this new meadery they put in here!”
© 2026 Pittsburgh Unfiltered
Theme by Anders Noren — Up ↑
