As of press time, the hologram had reportedly interrupted his performance of ‘My Way’ “for just a brief moment” to talk to the crowd about Gutter Helmet.
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(By @jjdanek)
BLOOMFIELD — Local Italian-American Jimmy Rossetti attended Little Italy Days’ opening night donned in his Italy soccer jersey, heavily exaggerating his “otherwise mild” Italian accent, and chain-smoking $2 convenience-store cigars, lest friends and passersby mistake his heritage for that of a neighboring European country, according to sources assuring him they’ve learned to swear in Italian enough for one day.
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Heavily inspired by the work of punk legends Rancid, Washington County-based band Monongahela Meatsticks refuses to write a song about anything other than the borough of California, PA, appreciative but otherwise irritated sources reported.
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OAKLAND — Curators at the Carnegie Museum of Natural History unveiled a new exhibit this morning featuring the “rock-hard, renal stone-ridden” kidney of a man who drank multiple gallons of Turner’s Iced Tea a day.
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(Article by John Danek, @jjdanek)
PRAGUE — Pittsburgh-based globetrotter Ian Pataki has developed a simple method for determining his favorite and least favorite foreign countries to visit.
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BREEZEWOOD — Local father Dan Porter has terrified his wife, kids, and grandchildren on their drive to the eastern shore by making “sincere, straight-faced” threats to stop in Breezewood, Pennsylvania for an undisclosed duration, according to sources pleading that they are neither hungry nor need to use the restroom.
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(Article by Lauren Tenders)
Summer has returned and, with it, a glimmer of normality ushered in by social gatherings, live entertainment, and — Christ, help us — this guy to our left, Paul, housing two dozen wings with complete disregard to his well-being and dignity.
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SOUTH SIDE – Local bargoer and self-described “champion of the environment” Bart Elliott would gladly finish the remaining several ounces of your domestic draft beer “if you ain’t gonna,” according to sources shouting “Now this is music!” every time an AC/DC or Black Sabbath song comes on the jukebox.
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BELLEVUE — Local father Gary Barnes, 63, is currently sipping on a glass of plain water, completely unaided by added flavor powders, liquids, or an accompanying pour of scotch, several astonished sources confirmed.
“We have to believe age is a key factor,” said head researcher and daughter Crystal Barnes. “I watched him eye up an Old Milwaukee across the patio, but after trying to stand up, he thought better of it. I suppose the 17th kidney stone may have finally been enough. That said, since the Crystal Pepsi Deceit of the early 90s, nobody in the family could believe it was regular tap water until on-site taste tests confirmed it.”
As of press time, Mr. Barnes continued to astound observers, after they all participated in a conversation without his contributing a single prejudiced comment.
WEST MIFFLIN – Local man Bill Fischer appeared in yesterday’s episode of popular MTV program ‘Cribs’ to show off his “lavish penthouse” highlighted by its three bedrooms, basement toilet, and numerous standalone air conditioning units occupying virtually every window of the house.
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