SWISSVALE — Local woman Cindy ‘Cinderella’ Dobson has expressed her fear to fellow bar patrons that she will “make an idiot” of herself and turn back to her “boring, normal,” sober state of being as soon as the state’s on-site drinking ban goes into effect at 5 p.m. today.
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UNIONTOWN — The Eiffert family fondly recalls their meticulously researched, “once-in-a-lifetime” vacation to the West Coast costing more than $4000 based solely on the impromptu $29 stop at regional chain In-n-Out Burger, according to sources wishing they could at least take the receipt down from the mantle when hosting guests.
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SOUTHWESTERN PENNSYLVANIA — The Kraft Heinz Company will be using the region as its primary test market for new 15.5-gallon ketchup kegs, the food conglomerate explained in a press release earlier today.
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NORTH SIDE — Former Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl once again voted for himself as a write-in candidate on every ballot in today’s general elections, according to polling place sources who insisted he didn’t have to keep telling anybody nearby.
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FOX CHAPEL — Local mom Randi McCarthy surprised any trick-or-treaters from nearby Sharpsburg who visited her home this weekend by specifically “gifting” them a king-size copy of Ayn Rand’s ‘Atlas Shrugged’ in lieu of candy, according to elementary school sources unsure what to do with it.
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BROOKLINE — Local man Ryan Woodward, 46, has campaigned heavily around the neighborhood this week to ensure that trick-or-treaters only take as many cans of beer as they feel capable of drinking from the two 30-packs of IC Light he intends to leave on his steps Saturday evening, according to sources glad they “did the right the thing.”
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2020 Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders “sincerely regrets” refusing a escort through the Fort Pitt Tunnel to commiserate with the struggles of “everyday Pittsburghers,” the frustrated 77-year-old reported from his second hour in Parkway West traffic on his way to a get-out-and-vote event this morning.”
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GREEN TREE — KDKA Radio Morning Show host Larry Richert has faced difficulty meeting the station’s request that he “squeeze a little” QAnon talking point into his live reads for King’s Family Restaurants to make up for missing content from since-fired Wendy Bell, according to sources unsure how to segue from purported pedophilia rings to chicken noodle soup.
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Harry Wilmoth, second generation: “And someday, my grandkids will experience the same joy of admitting that a season full of promise ending up in eight or nine wins is still miles better than a man with a crew cut who describes his offense in race car analogies.”
SHADYSIDE — Pittsburgh law firm Ferris, Ferris, Ferris and Klein faced controversy today for “a reckless disregard for commercialism,” reportedly avoiding obnoxious television and radio ads in favor of a tasteful brick and glass facade adorned with the firm’s name as the only indication that the reputable legal business even exists.
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