STRIP DISTRICT — Small-batch craft whiskey producer Ye Olde Tyme Distillery intends to help combat the Coronavirus by offering jelly jars of “high-quality, artistically refined” hand sanitizer for $30 per unit, company sources revealed this morning.
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BELLEVUE — Local man Ryan Erskine reportedly faced such extreme levels of boredom yesterday that he nearly started reading a full-length novel.
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It’s time we got serious about this pandemic. I don’t know about you, but I have lots of older relatives in my family whom I want to keep safe, so I’ll say it loud enough for the people in the back: we must act NOW to protect local, at-risk seniors — except, of course, Edgar Snyder, for the Immortal Doombringer hath no need or want for our laughable strength.
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HARRISBURG — Having just realized Pennsylvania beer distributors were permitted to stay open, Pittsburgh resident Clint Price reportedly has “not a damn clue” what he is supposed to do with the lit Molotov Cocktail he intended to throw at the state capitol building.
Continue readingWhether self-imposed or government-enforced, this quarantining business is changing facets of life Pittsbughers value most. Chuck’s managed to deal with it so far…in a fashion.
As a guy from State College, I’ve seen the extreme ends of convenience store loyalty. Parties I’ve gone to have nearly burst into all-out civil war at the suggestion that Sheetz or Wawa puts together a superior Nacho Grande to the other.
Now, finally, I think I’ve helped settle this age-old battle once for all.
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PITTSBURGH — The NHL announced this afternoon it will suspend the regular season due to the Coronavirus, reportedly crushing local dad Michael Hupp’s plans to take his kids to their first Pens game before insisting they leave to beat traffic halfway in.
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PITTSBURGH — Officials at the Allegheny County Health Department issued an “urgent reminder” this morning for Sheetz customers to wash their hands thoroughly after they leave a smear of shit on the seat in one of the chain’s numerous locations in the region.
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