SHALER — Local father Pete Jones remains undecided how he will uniquely butcher new Penguins winger Alex Galchenyuk’s last name, the 56-year-old reported between comments on defenseman Erik “Gundersson” (Gudbranson) and forward Nick “Bugstot” (Bjugstad).
“It’s one of those names that sit on your tongue funny,” said Jones, who, according to his family, has yet to use any version of the name more than once, “every attempt more a train wreck than the one prior.” “The big stars are easy enough — Evgeni Malcolm (Malkin), Jimmy (James) Conner, and the like — but new guys require a bit of an adjustment period.”
Jones admitted that ‘Galchenyuk’ has posed thus far one of the bigger challenges for him in memory.
“Man, I haven’t had this much trouble with a name since…oh, you know the guy — that fast Russian with no hands,” he said. “Konstantinov (Konstantin Koltsov)! Yeah, that guy. They just aren’t as easy to remember like back in the good old days of Jurri Jagr. ‘Jagr the Dagger,’ I used to call him.”
Jones’ son Zach clarified that his father’s difficulties reached beyond the names of professional athletes.
“My old man has called it ‘JCPenney’s’ for as long as I can remember, and he managed one of them for 12 years,” he said. “In fact, I don’t think he’s mentioned a store or restaurant without adding a superfluous ‘s’ since 2003. I don’t know how you can think the place is called ‘Applebee’s’s,’ but he sounded sure as shit when he said it.”
As of press time, the elder Jones was allegedly explaining to his family the history of North Versailles, reminding them at regular intervals that it was actually the French who were saying it wrong.
