The NHL trade deadline is less than a week away, and real fans everywhere — especially the lonely guy in the NHL-licensed Penguins beanie occupying the bar stool beside you — are fervently discussing what surprises might await as the season enters its final quarter-lap towards the playoffs.
So if you really are a fan, then you should already know these four completely untrue, unreasonable, or virtually impossible things about the Penguins that this man about to attack-talk you at the bar will suggest is Biblical fact anyway.
1. Marc-Andre Fleury will be a Penguin again by the end of the trade deadline.
Yeah, yeah, yeah — the Penguins already have two well-performing goalies on their roster. Don’t you think he already knows that?! Don’t you remember him saying he’s got a buddy who has season tickets, sometimes?
Just think for a second. Really think: why would the Penguins want to split time between two goalies under 25 when they could have one actually good goalie who knows what it takes to win at 35? The fact that he’s making $7 million for two more years only proves how good he is!
Listen, Matt Murray has been great and all since we traded Maatta—wait, scratch that; it was Scuderi…he’s pretty sure—for him a few years ago, but the Penguins are ready to make a trade happen to get the top dog, MAF, back between the pipes.
2. Sidney Crosby is best friends with every upper-tier player available at the deadline, so they will force their GM to trade them to Pittsburgh.
Chris Kreider. Sami Vatanen. J-D Pageau. Brenden Dillon. Your resident Pens expert would have you know one thing: they all happen to be best friends with Sidney Crosby and therefore will demand they get traded to the Pens under expected value.
What do you mean, “you’re not so sure”? Did you spend 15ish minutes this morning looking into who tops the list to get traded by next week?
3. Fuck Ovechkin.
Come on, you didn’t think that three Stanley Cups and years to realize that the game benefits from more than one generational talent would stop this super fan from bringing the thunder, did you?
Everybody knows his about-to-be 700 goals are bullshit, anyway. Most of them aren’t that good and just because he always plays on the power play. Sid could have scored twice that many if he wasn’t trying to make his team better instead. Poor Crapitals fans can’t admit that, though, right?
4. Mario Lemieux is in the best shape of—his—life, and that can only mean one thing.
That’s right, baby, another comeback. Didn’t you watch that behind-the-scenes video of Lemieux hitting the ice for the Winter Classic alumni game in 2009? He was turning guys inside and looked like he was hardly trying. These ten years off the ice only mean he’s had more time to get back into game shape.
Besides, what makes you think the so-called “impossible” can’t happen? A couple hours ago, you thought you knew everything about the Penguins, yet this guy had to spend two hours and insist on buying you a pitcher and some wings just to set you straight.
Same time next week?
