KYOTO — A foodie blogger from West Mifflin turned the culinary world on its head by adding smuggled Potato Patch fries on top of his sea urchin sushi while vacationing in Japan, baffled onlookers reported.
“I just sat down at the table to celebrate my 20th wedding anniversary with my wife when a thick, oily smell permeated the air,” reported Kyoto resident Osamu Takamoto. “I looked at the table next to me, and an obese white man clad in garish black and yellow apparel was adding slices of deep-fried potatoes on top of his urchin sushi.”
“I’ve never witnessed such an abomination in my life,” continued Takamoto, who asked for his table to be relocated. “Though if I’m being honest with myself, my curiosity is piqued. I can’t stop thinking about it. Dare I try such a vulgar combination of flavors?”
Joel Nowak, the controversial blogger, travels around the world adding Pittsburgh-area fries to exotic dishes for his blog, The Veal Curtain.
“I give each dish two scores: before and after I add fries,” explained Nowak, whose inspiration to blog first started after adding Primanti’s fries to escargot in Nice, France. “Every dish I’ve ever added fries to become a 10. I daydream about the possibility of a dish not improved by fries, and I’ll continue searching far and wide to find it.”
Shiela Smirelli, manager of Food Operations at Kennywood Park, was surprised to see the boost in revenue Kennywood received after appearing on the blog.
“Our sales of Potato Patch fries went up 160% in the days following our appearance on The Veal Curtain,” reported Smirelli. “Coincidentally, ambulance calls to the park for heart-related incidents rose proportionally. But now all Pittsburgh-area restaurants that make fries are clamoring for spots on the blog. I heard Fat Head’s Saloon sent him six pounds of fries for Valentine’s Day. Suck-ups…”
As of press time, Nowak is considering taking the blog in a new direction, where he would explore detainment cells in stadiums around the globe. He indicated no need to alert security staff of his intent beforehand, though, insisting it would “happen organically anyway.”
Article by John Danek (@jjdanek)
