SOUTH SIDE — With the cancellation of the annual St. Patrick’s Day parade, South Side-based bro Bryce Gardner assumes he will abandon plans to become extraordinarily intoxicated and only get “normal extra fucked up” instead.
“Damn, we already made 200 more jello shots than we do for an average Saturday,” said Gardner, sending a reminder text to friends that he still intends to start drinking shots of Fireball by 7 a.m. Saturday morning. “It’s a shame I won’t be absolutely crazy wild hammered shitting from the back of a parade float. I suppose I’ll be just as happy pounding well vodka until I piss in the corner of a bar and get thrown out a window fighting two bouncers — you know, your standard weekend fun.”
Gardner lamented how the holiday celebration allegedly offers the opportunity to “do something a little different.”
“St. Paddy’s is a chance to let loose a little,” he said. “It’s not just your everyday three-day blackout bender where you feel compelled to hold back some to make it out for mimosas on Sunday. The boys will sure be disappointed that we’ll have to throw full beers at passersby from our porch instead of down on Grant, but that’s life.”
As of press time, the 23-year-old claimed he has even considered changing his wardrobe for the day, swapping out a “Suck Me, I’m Irish” shirt for “an old standby” that reads “Free Protein Shakes” while pointing at his genitals.
