HIGHMARK STADIUM — State officials have reportedly granted a waiver request made by the Riverhounds Soccer Club to allow fans into games despite yellow phase restrictions on the grounds that it is “highly improbable” attendance would ever exceed 25 persons.
Continue readingCategory: Current Events (Page 5 of 12)
SOUTH HILLS — In addition to honoring fallen veterans, members of various South Hills neighborhoods used today to remember those friends and family taken over the years by the North Hills, sources cursing Wexford confirm.
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MONROEVILLE — Local man Bob Hucko has excitedly announced that gatherers at his Memorial Day cookout may serve themselves now that the entree of heavily blackened chicken has been prepared “to world-class perfection.”
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PITTSBURGH — Penguins winger Jake Guentzel is reportedly panicking after having spent the entirety of quarantine consuming solely his signature milkshake from the Milkshake Factory instead of preparing for the 24-team conclusion to the 2020 NHL season as agreed on today.
“I wasn’t supposed to be back in time,” said a frantic Guentzel, hurriedly approaching an elliptical machine before a fit of dry heaves stopped him. “Jesus, what do I do? I guess start with something easy like jumping jacks, maybe. OK…one…two — oh God, I think I’m going to vomit chocolate sauce.”
As of press time, Sidney Crosby had allegedly agreed to come help Guentzel after finishing a plank exercise that he first started in March.
PITTSBURGH — Is the local economy collapsing? Researchers suggest it may be after another week of uncertainty forced only a dozen new craft breweries to open in the area, marking a substantial drop from the 39 that opened over the same period last week.
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MENLO PARK, Calif. — Social media giant Facebook plans to appeal to fathers throughout the Rust Belt with a new “half-hearted, ‘attaboy’-like pat on the back” emoji, the company confirmed this morning.
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(This article was originally posted on The Omnibrow, a Pitt grad-led humor site, in 2011. It felt appropriate to indulge in some nostalgia as we approach Mother’s Day, so here it is.)
ROSS TOWNSHIP — Local elementary school educator Jerry Farnsworth, the fifth-grade teacher who inspired you to pursue a career in the natural sciences, is “rocking the shit out of [your mother],” she moaned in a statement today.
Mr. Farnsworth, 53, was seen approaching your mother during happy hour earlier this evening. Sources say Farnsworth sparked conversation with a witty biology quip, the one you quoted in your college essay about your academic role model.
After a round of Farnsworth’s amusing anecdotes, a skill that earned him your nomination as local educator of year, the two reportedly left the bar and hailed a nearby taxi.
It has been confirmed that Farnsworth, contrary to the adamant stance he took in fifth-grade sex education, has chosen not to wear a condom.
ERIE — Erie County’s move to the yellow stage of the Governor’s reopening plan has inspired local resident Rick Morris to seek out all the activities and opportunities that don’t exist in his hometown, sources figuring they’ll have this “wrapped up soon” confirm.
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As far as seasons go, winters are fairly predictable: they present characters basking in the pleasantness of Halloween or Thanksgiving, plunge them into a wretched tempest of overcast and polar vortexes, and then neatly wrap everything up with the coming of spring and the rebirth it embodies. Credits roll and people are content, if even a bit unsatisfied with how the New Year’s Eve scene played out, until the calendar rolls back around.
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PITTSBURGH AND SURROUNDING AREAS — Communities throughout Southwestern Pennsylvania are calling on health experts to start summarizing their comprehensive, data-heavy, life-saving information on COVID-19 in the form of a singular convenient Steelers analogy.
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