By Owner and Intrepid Defender of Wealth John R. Block
Unwashed Youth, most of them sons and daughters of housemaids and workmen, gathered in the East Liberty neighborhood, dangerously in the vicinity of the residence of H. Frick.
The mongrel gang brutality confronted the defenseless Police, who had only noxious smoke and bird shot to defend themselves, and inflicted upon them rude gestures, vocal contradictions to established authority, and the striking appearance of the bare ankles of bawdy ladies. Even as it must have pained the distinguished blue vessels of the law to temporarily re-interpret our sacred constitution, Police declared the immediate public location unlawful, and demanded the horde disperse.
With the eyes of eagles, and the skilled precision of champion archers, Police began spraying birdshot into the crowd. Despite the gunfire causing glass to be shattered in shop windows, trees and shrubs with ripped leaf and pierced limb, rooftops impaled, our brave protectors of peace and normalcy clearly and precisely hit one of the ruffians directly in the face, neck, head, and chest. As he lay bleeding a nurse hollered on the ruffian’s behalf for Police to take him to the hospital, thusly startling our even-tempered and distinguished officers, who responded by spewing noxious smoke directly into the nurse’s eyeballs.
Meanwhile a lady painter crafted the scene in colorful oils from her balcony overlooking the avenue. Detectives later visited the artist and found the painting so accurate that they arrested her at once for obscenity.
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(Article by Sloover, sloover.com)
