NEW YORK — Rangers GM Jeff Gorton contacted junior star Alexis Lafrenière this morning to discuss the team’s plan to select him first overall and their preference that he “fit the team model” by showing up at training camp having aged 16 years and with no apparent desire to keep playing hockey, the club recently confirmed.
Continue readingCategory: Nonsense (Page 10 of 18)
SWISSVALE — Local “booze expert” Harry Gibson suggested guests at a dinner party he attended this weekend would best complement their herb chicken entree with an “ice cold, well-aged” can of Lionshead beer he grabbed from the back of his fridge, according to sources still trying to get the smell out of the glassware.
Continue reading
ST. LOUIS, Mo. — Pirates play-by-play announcer Greg Brown has already changed into an alternate pair of khakis during the team’s season-opening broadcast after “absolutely whitewashing” the first pair in cum from excessive excitement for baseball’s return, team sources hurriedly driving to a Target to buy more confirm.
Continue reading
NORTH SHORE — Pirates owner and billionaire Bob Nutting greeted the Blue Jays organization today by including in each hotel room two coupons for a free appetizer on any otherwise full-priced stay at Seven Springs, sources who would’ve just been happy with a handshake confirm.
Continue readingWhat are you waiting for?!
Whoa whoa whoa — where do you think you’re going there, bud? Absolutely not. I can’t be letting you in wearing a shirt like that. This is a bar that knowingly defies all state regulations designed to protect people during a pandemic, not fashion anarchy.
Continue reading
MYRTLE BEACH, S.C. — Myrtle Beach’s emergence as a COVID-19 hot spot has rendered the annual Sarcinelli family vacation “even more life-threatening than usual,” sources riding a go-kart blindfolded with a case of Keystone Light confirm.
Continue reading
HAYS — “Community hero” Kevin Wilson punched through a car window yesterday to rescue a 30-pack of Iron City left in the backseat that would’ve otherwise turned “so warm you might only be able to stomach three or four of them,” according to sources hoping to pass a local ordinance to ensure it doesn’t happen again.
Continue reading
SOUTH BEND, Ind. — In light of the NCAA’s announcement decrying displays of the Confederate flag, administrators at Catholic-based Notre Dame expressed relief this morning that their university carries “totally no long-term connections whatsoever, now or ever” to any institution of disrepute, sources shaking their head repeatedly saying “nope” confirm.
Continue reading
Well, they’re closing a bunch of them JCPenney’s, so let’s hit that up for some good deals. The fuck you mean I’m saying it wrong? We’re talking about that same shitty store in the mall with all the discounts and sales, right?
Continue reading
