PENN HILLS — Turner Dairy Farms announced today they will add a “sucrose-infused, high-performance sports beverage” to their line of commercial tea products.
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CARNEGIE MELLON UNIVERSITY — A bot exposed to hours of Pens talk via radio broadcasts, podcasts, and audio transcripts of Twitter threads startled researchers this week by learning to utter ‘Matt Murray sucks’ with a distinct slur of a person under the influence of alcohol or choking on their own rage, sources trying to stop it from calling 93.7 the Fan again confirm.
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FOREST HILLS — KDKA viewers expressed their outrage this morning after new reporter Hannibal Lecter wore his state-mandated muzzle to a scene where he led police to buried human remains even though nobody was near enough for him to infect with COVID-19 or brutally murder.
“I’d like Mr. Lecter to give me the FACTS, not spread irrational fear,” said Facebook user Debbie Thurston in a comment on his report. “Also, don’t think I missed the subtle way he repeatedly licks his lips and says ‘delicious’ between sentences to make sure we keep looking at his face. KDKA obviously just cares more about scaring viewers than whatever this report was about. Honestly, I was so furious I didn’t get the chance to watch the story at all.”
As of press time, more viewers were reportedly posting their dismay on social media after photos surfaced of Lecter still wearing the muzzle in his car, even though he had stuffed the other person a safe distance away in the trunk.
DALLAS — Leaked, “off-the-record” segments of Pat McAfee’s interview with Mark Cuban reveal that the Mt. Lebanon native — who also owns the Pirates, Penguins, and Essie’s Original Hot Dog Shop, has started scripting a new ending to ‘Game of Thrones,’ and single-handedly saved Pennsylvania’s economy — is preparing to go back in time and assassinate Nazi leader Adolf Hitler, just like he did with Soviet despot Joseph Stalin, thus sparing the country from his brutal reign and setting it on a path to become the capitalist utopia America Jr. as we know it today.
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DALLAS — Mavericks owner and Mt. Lebanon native Mark Cuban announced during the Pat McAfee Show yesterday that he intends to rewrite the ending to the HBO series ‘Game of Thrones’ to meet fan expectations, precisely as he did with long-running hit ‘The Sopranos.’
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HEMPFIELD — Baseball dad Bill Mortimer attended a Zoom meeting with his son’s coach yesterday wearing his wraparound sunglasses and menacingly striking the palm of his left hand with a fist, according to sources who had to insist repeatedly that they needn’t discuss matters in a parking lot over a few Miller High Lifes and a “wad of dip.”
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MENLO PARK, Calif. — Social media giant Facebook plans to appeal to fathers throughout the Rust Belt with a new “half-hearted, ‘attaboy’-like pat on the back” emoji, the company confirmed this morning.
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TROY HILL — The children of local woman Terry Eichenlaub surprised her this Mother’s Day morning with a 24-ounce can of Coors Light and pack of Newport cigarettes while she rested in bed, according to sources with a “heart full of love and probably a fair amount of tar.”
“I got the best kids a mother could wish for,” said Eichenlaub, enthusiastically asking them which cigarette she should try first. “For my birthday, they laid on the Aqua Net and perfume thick for me so I could keep taking shooters before heading out to Buckhead’s, and now this. I really do have the greatest—HEY, KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF BEFORE I SMACK ONE OF YINZ UPSIDE THE HEAD.”
As of press time, the Eichenlaub family had allegedly arranged a day of “riveting cinema” for the matriarch, starting with the 1998 Hell in Cell match between the Undertaker and Mankind.
As far as seasons go, winters are fairly predictable: they present characters basking in the pleasantness of Halloween or Thanksgiving, plunge them into a wretched tempest of overcast and polar vortexes, and then neatly wrap everything up with the coming of spring and the rebirth it embodies. Credits roll and people are content, if even a bit unsatisfied with how the New Year’s Eve scene played out, until the calendar rolls back around.
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