MENLO PARK, Calif. — Social media giant Facebook plans to appeal to fathers throughout the Rust Belt with a new “half-hearted, ‘attaboy’-like pat on the back” emoji, the company confirmed this morning.
Continue readingCategory: Nonsense (Page 13 of 20)
TROY HILL — The children of local woman Terry Eichenlaub surprised her this Mother’s Day morning with a 24-ounce can of Coors Light and pack of Newport cigarettes while she rested in bed, according to sources with a “heart full of love and probably a fair amount of tar.”
“I got the best kids a mother could wish for,” said Eichenlaub, enthusiastically asking them which cigarette she should try first. “For my birthday, they laid on the Aqua Net and perfume thick for me so I could keep taking shooters before heading out to Buckhead’s, and now this. I really do have the greatest—HEY, KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF BEFORE I SMACK ONE OF YINZ UPSIDE THE HEAD.”
As of press time, the Eichenlaub family had allegedly arranged a day of “riveting cinema” for the matriarch, starting with the 1998 Hell in Cell match between the Undertaker and Mankind.
As far as seasons go, winters are fairly predictable: they present characters basking in the pleasantness of Halloween or Thanksgiving, plunge them into a wretched tempest of overcast and polar vortexes, and then neatly wrap everything up with the coming of spring and the rebirth it embodies. Credits roll and people are content, if even a bit unsatisfied with how the New Year’s Eve scene played out, until the calendar rolls back around.
Continue readingRoc the Panther shows 2020 grads his love — repeatedly.
BELLEVUE — Local man Ryan Erskine reportedly faced such extreme levels of boredom yesterday that he nearly started reading a full-length novel.
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Hey, in case yinz didn’t hear, the start of April is a new beginnin’ fer Pittsburgh Unfiltered, headed up by me, yer ol’ football-lovin buddy Russ Hookgraver. Click here to read more and yinz enjoy!
CLEVELAND — Some total jag Browns fan unsurprisingly also likes that gross-ass Hunt’s ketchup, according to sources who probably love other terrible stuff, too.
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Hey, in case yinz didn’t hear, the start of April is a new beginnin’ fer Pittsburgh Unfiltered, headed up by me, yer ol’ football-lovin buddy Russ Hookgraver. Click here to read more and yinz enjoy!
HELL — Our jag mayor Bill Peduto reportedly sold his soul to Satan this morning for more of them dumb bike lanes that are gonna clog up them roads people just wanna drive fast on.
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Happy April to all yinz aht there!
I’m gunna hafta ask yinz to turn dahn yer walkman or whatever n listen up, we clear?
The investors dahn at Pittsburgh Unfiltered weren’t makin no scratch off the operation, what with a bunch of wannabe socialist jagoffs runnin the thing, so they brought in me, hard-workin’, American Flag n Terrible Towel-wavin’, Baldwin born n raised Russ Hookgraver to get business boomin again.
Now I was gunna start tuh get e’rything in order by firin all the staff and leavin them without health insurance. I mean, writin’ ain’t a real job, anyhow. I write stuff fer free all the time: death threats tuh sports radio hosts, lists fer when we go get food dahn at the Iggle, court-ordered apologies tuh my neighbors … you know, whole buncha stuff.
Once I realized, though, that none of them was a full-time employee, well, I decided there was only one thing fer ol’ Russ tuh do: put aht high-quality, pro-Pittsburgh content for all yinz folks to laugh at aht there. Stuff that red-, white-, blue-, black, and gold-blooded Americans like me would really get a kick aht of.
So sit back, pack in a few ‘rogis, and get yinzselves ready fer the new n improved Pittsburgh Unfiltered, with yer friend who’s always callin the cops fer yinz when he sees coupla hoodlums takin too long to walk dahn the street, Russ Hookgraver.
(Look, even the logo looks better. Kinda like the Pittsburgh Steelers! Get it? That’s the football team we all like n stuff.)
