GREENFIELD — Local resident George Nowakowski decided he will place fault for today’s significant, out-of-season snow accumulation entirely on mayor Bill Peduto, the 71-year-old confirmed while muttering to himself this morning.
Continue readingCategory: Nonsense (Page 13 of 18)
I heard the Old Mill’s opening back up. You should go down there and ask for a job. That’s a good honest job, working in a mill with your hands. You kids don’t know nothing about handjobs these days, but mark my words: a whole bunch of handjobs down at the Old Mill is just what this blue-collar town and Pittsburgh needs to be great again.
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PITTSBURGH — Officials at the Allegheny County Health Department issued an “urgent reminder” this morning for Sheetz customers to wash their hands thoroughly after they leave a smear of shit on the seat in one of the chain’s numerous locations in the region.
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WEST VIEW — Lifelong resident and Guy Fieri lookalike Griff Ferrani has reportedly started a new YouTube series mimicking “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives,” in which he forgoes eateries to visit exclusively local dive bars.
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MUNHALL — Insisting he’s had enough for a whole family, local man Rudy Geller couldn’t “even think about” getting any more commitment to Christ at a local fish fry this afternoon, the 52-year-old recently confirmed.
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KYOTO — A foodie blogger from West Mifflin turned the culinary world on its head by adding smuggled Potato Patch fries on top of his sea urchin sushi while vacationing in Japan, baffled onlookers reported.
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As the father of two young children, I’ve learned to think proactively. Taking a trip, having guests, any potential kinks to the routine — you just get an inkling for what’s going to stir the pot, so to speak. That’s why, when I look ahead to my kids’ future, I can’t help but be absolutely terrified. That’s right, I’m afraid that my children will live in a world where they will call Eli Manning ‘the football one’ of the family. Even now, I shudder.
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Let me start by saying, you’re welcome. I doubt you’d have been able to come this conclusion by your pathetic self, even if Double M yelled it right in your face and I quickly repeated it in words that were just different enough to make it sound somewhat novel afterwards.
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EASTON, N.J. — Weather around Pittsburgh on Christmas Eve and Day inspired crayon institution Crayola to create its latest shade of “uniquely depressing” gray, representatives at the company announced this morning.
Continue reading‘Tis the season…to celebrate 50 degrees on Christmas and increased volatility of weather patterns, locally and worldwide. Sure, it means the Earth is being irrevocably altered by humanity, but it also means more of Pittsburgh’s favorite — er, well, as least most common — wintertime mood-setter: rain! Take it all in with this (equally as depressingly) crooned hit, Let It Rain.
Can’t get enough? Right-click the bar below and select ‘Save Audio As…’ to download the track and so it can follow you everywhere — kind of like, you know, the rain.
