BIGELOW BOULEVARD — “Some complete fucking idiot” actually obeyed the posted speed limit of 35 mph on Bigelow Boulevard this morning, sources who couldn’t believe this shit report.
Continue readingCategory: Nonsense (Page 14 of 18)
HEINZ FIELD — Neither staff, students, or other guests attending Pitt’s Saturday afternoon game against Delaware know how former coach Dave Wannstedt managed to sneak a full keg of American Light into the student section, sources filling out an impromptu waiting list for keg stands confirm.
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PITTSBURGH INTERNATIONAL — Local man Mark McCall, 42, was reportedly able to provide his three kids significantly more details about Steelers running back Franco Harris than first President of the United States George Washington when passing their statues this morning at Pittsburgh International Airport.
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SHALER — Local father Pete Jones remains undecided how he will uniquely butcher new Penguins winger Alex Galchenyuk’s last name, the 56-year-old reported between comments on defenseman Erik “Gundersson” (Gudbranson) and forward Nick “Bugstot” (Bjugstad).
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MORGANTOWN — Local man Dan Moore foolishly left a valuable partial case of Busch Light visible in the backseat of his car this morning while visiting Morgantown for today’s college football game, sources shaking their heads confirm.
“Amateurs think buying light offers extra protection,” said local resident Sandy Watson, noting that she secures her beer fridge via padlocks and a Rune Goldberg machine connected to shotguns. “On a game day, though, you might as well put a bow on that thing. Guess that poor son of a bitch has to learn one way or another.”
Sources said “that jackass” Moore recently returned to the vehicle only to put his signed Pitt football in the trunk “like anybody here gives a shit.”
NORTH SHORE — Pirates management reportedly celebrated this morning that PNC Park will host a lineup “even more over the hill” than theirs when the Green Day, Fall Out Boy, and Weezer tour heads there on August 15, 2020.
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LATROBE — New Giant Eagle sales associate Trevor Burke, 18, puked several times before his first Steelers Sunday shift this morning as if he were a fledgling draftee preparing to attack Nazi fortifications on the beaches of Normandy, according to sources telling him to get his “shit together” if he wants to make it out alive.
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I think my outburst at Kennywood was the final straw. It was Slovak Day and all our family was there. But in my defense, someone should have told me they took away the Log Jammer.
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DOWNTOWN — Steelers fan Adam King, 31, played Styx favorite ‘Renegade’ at full volume earlier today in hopes of inspiring a comeback in the later stages of his third DUI hearing over the last several years, courtroom sources confirmed.
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EASTON, N.J. — Sections of the Monongahela River running through Pittsburgh recently inspired crayon institution Crayola to create its latest shade of “uniquely off-putting” brown, representatives at the company announced this morning.
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