(Article by Bashir Tanweer, @mexghanistan)
NORTH SHORE — In light of the “immense hardship the franchise faces,” the Pittsburgh Pirates announced today that they will immediately cease all baseball operations and complete the transition to a full-time hat company.
Continue readingOAKLAND — Local resident Rick Bollinger declared this morning that he refused to let several inches of snow that fell overnight ruin the day’s “special” schedule of excessive drinking, despite his doing so nearly every day for more than three decades.
“Ain’t every day you can let loose and crack a few beers without worrying about shit you got to get done,” said Bollinger, who, according to neighborhood sources, leveraged yesterday’s Penguins win, and subsequent celebration, to drink a 12-pack of Lionshead while blasting Motley Crue in his garage. “When else do I get to hang with the guys and toss back a few extra pounders if not on St. Paddy’s Day? Well, outside Steelers and Pitt football games, of course…and Pens games…and when that sweet 80s metal cover band plays at Jergel’s…or when Bobby’s kid’s team makes the WPIAL playoffs…and Thursdays, but the wife usually joins us, so when she has to carry me home instead of Frank, it’s more a couples thing than hanging out.”
As of press time, Bollinger was reportedly sitting at the bar “he barely ever has time for anymore,” where he was served a shot, beer, and bowl of peanuts without saying a word.
We yinzers are utterly spoiled when it comes to sports. Our football and hockey teams have been considered elite by everyone in their respective leagues for decades. And if Pittsburgh were to ever get a professional basketball or baseball team, I’m sure they would quickly establish a winning legacy as well.
This winning reputation can make watching a Pittsburgh-less championship game especially traumatic. This year’s Super Bowl LVI features the Los Angeles Rams and Cincinnati Bengals, neither of which teams are the Steelers, or even one whose players and coaching staff we threaten to mortally wound on a weekly basis. In order to cope with the pain of watching two other teams battle over what is rightfully ours, we here at Pittsburgh Unfiltered present a guide to tweaking your TV so that it kinda almost looks like the black and gold are on the field.
Continue readingLAWRENCEVILLE — Panicked resident Huck Warsing rushed to buy alternative milk and sprouted grain bread in preparation for the potential snow accumulation arriving Sunday into Monday, sources wondering if they also should have gotten extra rolls of sustainably sourced, 100-percent recycled toilet paper confirm.
Continue readingWith the holidays over, Valentine’s Day, and a chance to land a perfect gift for those special people in your life, inches ever close — and man, oh man, do we have a deal you don’t want to miss.
Continue readingChristmas miracles are real. Just ask the Schneider family.
Already doubting how Santa could make presents for kids around the world and deliver them all in one night, the Schneider’s four kids were understandably skeptical when their father, Doug, insisted they leave Santa an entire case of Iron City beer to “wet his whistle” during his stop in their Shaler home.
Continue readingAs of press time, area residents reported hearing repeated calls of, “Man, I love this new meadery they put in here!”
The Little Italy Days festival — the annual event that sprawls across Liberty Ave. is beloved by some and loathed by others, but one thing is for certain: we missed pretty much all of it because we were absolutely toasted at Nico’s Recovery Room for its entire duration. Even spent Saturday into Sunday sleeping there under one of the booth tables. Seriously, they either missed us or just figured it was easier to let us be than to coax some tequila-saturated snoozers elsewhere. Anyway, here are three so-so hot takes we honestly just kind of stitched together from social media after we had assured friends and family that we were OK.
#1: The people were great.
Personally, we loved everybody we encountered throughout the weekend. Was it because they were enabling our reckless bets of rounds of liquor on sporting events we know nothing about? Maybe, but that doesn’t change just how great it was to talk to Patti and Bill and Shawn and Lisa and, well, we’re still looking through our camera roll and messages from unsaved numbers to identify the rest.
Guess some people had some bad interactions, too, though, so that sucks.
#2: The food vendors keep getting — we don’t know; what’s the better play here — worse? Sure, let’s go with that.
We bet they had a lot of those generic carnival food vendors, didn’t they? Ones that sell, like, 10 different ethnic classics, but none of them taste all that good? At least that’s what it looked like on Twitter.
Oh, we also saw the Italian gyros. What the hell? But for real, we were just BLITZED like hell by early afternoon, so we would’ve eaten the ass off a skunk and we could do worse than a pandering gyro stand.
People at Angelo’s are just lucky one of us skinned their knee on the way there — and vomited three or four times, but that’s correlation, not causation — or we would’ve run that place out of gnocchi and garlic knots for a month.
***
Listen, we really dropped the ball on this and we’re sorry. If it’s any consolation, we are still hungover and this draft is being finished in a hoodie, with a cold compress, hopelessly sunken into the couch while we blare season 5 of ‘The Simpsons’ on repeat.
We’ll do better next year, and if anybody hears from the one of us who ended up leaving to go to Lou’s, please alert emergency services immediately; they’re about to call off the search.
Heavily inspired by the work of punk legends Rancid, Washington County-based band Monongahela Meatsticks refuses to write a song about anything other than the borough of California, PA, appreciative but otherwise irritated sources reported.
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