NORTH SHORE — Thousands of the country’s most unstable men clad in a hoodie, brown boots, and an NFL or college football jersey gathered on the North Shore today to attend this year’s American Fistfight Convention, sources shouting obscenities about the loved ones of passersby confirmed.
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BRIGHTON HEIGHTS — Local boozing veteran Dave Wisnewski “looked better than ever” during his alcohol binge for the first week of the NFL season despite not drinking for the entirety of the preseason, amazed sources still finding crushed beer cans he stowed away reported Sunday night.
“You hear all the stories about how these older guys can’t hack it,” said Wisnewski’s neighbor Sam Hutchinson, 28. “Everybody says they’ve got too much going on between the back spams, the elbow they hyperextended playing horseshoes, the dialysis—the whole shebang. Then my buddy Dave comes in here and puts up 15 beers and eight shots of Fireball in six hours like he hasn’t missed a beat.”
“Turning the clock back, this guy,” added Hutchinson.
General managers in the local bar circuit expressed uncertainty when Wisnewski, entering his 25th season of football-adjacent alcohol consumption, agreed to a modest deal to drink nothing but Michelob Ultra late this off-season.
“You see these long-time stalwarts try to ride out a few couple years of glory,” said evening shift manager Isiah Ward. “Then the grueling off-season interventions are just too much so they retire to coffee shops and go to bed at 8 p.m. You can imagine my shock, then, when Dave rolls in at 10 after fours weeks off and throws up a statline of five Coors Light aluminums, two packs of cigarettes, and six dart games in an hour, all while tidily throwing up in an unoccupied lot instead of ours. Even his mistakes show signs of veteran leadership.”
Despite the prevailing sense of surprise, some evaluators had pegged Wisnewski for a huge comeback.
“Was last season a glamorous display of beer-soaked excellence? No,” said analyst Peter Walker. “But Wisnewski still wasn’t a chump: he averaged 8.4 beers a game while only pissing himself 0.46 times for every three sidecars of Old Grandad he ordered. If he had lined up beside even competent bar mates via the PBF (Pro Boozehound Focus) metrics, he almost certainly would’ve performed near career-level rates. One guy can only do so much.”
Even with an exemplary Week 1 performance, Wisnewski insisted he would “get right back to the Xs and Os,” as soon as he figured out where he had accidentally had the Uber driver drop off him.
SPRING HILL – Local elementary school janitor Herb Grobowski reportedly used seven miles of orange traffic cones to block off a student’s vomit puddle which itself measured approximately one foot in circumference, confused sources report.
“I worked for PennDOT for twenty years before coming here, so I feel like a lot of the skills I gained were directly applicable to this job,” Grobowski said. “The second I saw that I needed to clean up the small patch of floor in the hallway just outside the art classroom, I automatically referred to my training and blocked off the space necessary for me to sprinkle on some sawdust before putting the mop to it. I’m eternally grateful to the training I received at PennDOT for helping me get my work done so quickly and efficiently.”
Fourth grade teacher Eileen Chung reacted to Grobowski’s methods with equal parts surprise and frustration.
“I really don’t understand why this much barren space needs to be reserved for such a small area of work,” Chung complained. “I tried to walk my class to the cafeteria, and instead we’ve had to squeeze into single file while snaking back and forth through seemingly unending corridors of those cones. Where was he even keeping them, anyway? There must be thousands of them. At any rate, we don’t have time in our day for a two-hour walk to get lunch. This is just not a feasible situation.”
Principal Geraldine Leed weighed in on the ordeal.
“I’m going to have to sit down and have a chat with Herb about his approach to his work,” Leed sighed. “I’ve heard nothing but complaints from the staff since he took over our custodial duties. Apparently one line of kids made it through all seven miles of cones, only to see him idly texting on his phone next to the vomit puddle. At the very least, I’m thinking about instituting a training program for new janitors so they don’t end up using methods learned from their prior vocations. We might put up with this approach on the turnpike, but we have to draw the line here.”
At press time, Grobowski was put on administrative leave after offering to keep the cones up for three months before addressing the vomit puddle.
(Article by Steve Packosky)
PITTSBURGH — Facing “insurmountable financial hardship,” a local Catholic parish altered today’s Easter homily to focus on less traditional canon of Jesus’s resurrection in favor of emphasizing how he “absolutely raked in the big bucks from the comfort his of grave” by using FanDuel.com, according to sources praying for pointers on today’s slate of MLB games.
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FINEVIEW — A Mason Rudolph jersey received as a joke gift at a 2019 holiday party now qualifies as North Side resident Dave Grimm’s “absolutely most prized” belonging, according to sources whispering kind words to the piece of apparel for the last hour.
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You navigate to your kitchen in a hoodie, only to find you’re quickly overcome with warmth. Sweat runs down your face, and you realize your affect reeks of an unidentified malaise. You were fine but a few a minutes ago, so it’s time to ask, are the fatal clutches of some phantom fever, heretofore unknown to humanity, lurking above you or is just, like, 84 or so degrees again for the first time your seasonally compromised memory can manage to recall?
As of press time, you decided the ailment might be identified as Buccos fever, which historically wanes within several weeks or, medical sources have noted, until Bryan Reynolds gets traded.
NORTH SHORE — Following a “torturous series of delays,” BetRivers has announced the official over-under for shirtless guys CBS will show on tonight’s Steelers-Raiders broadcast, according to sources considering a parlay with the number of fans dressed like Santa featured by the network.
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NORTH SIDE — A group of Pitt alumni heavily clad in official Pitt merchandise has briefly paused their exchange of Pitt stories at a tailgate for the Pitt-West Virginia game to express their collective thanks that they didn’t peak in high school “like some obsessed, homesick loser,” parking lot sources continue to loudly confirm.
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MARKET SQUARE — Upper St. Clair native Jaden Thompson, 30, spent yesterday emphasizing his “fierce dedication” to local brands and products, having mistaken his consumerism as a reflection of modest working-class values, according to sources hoping he won’t invite them back to Starbucks again.
“Jaden’s been pushing the yinzer self-narrative ever since he’s come into Bakery Square to take that systems analyst gig,” said co-worker Tim Bachmann. “I don’t he think he realizes the ‘412’ vanity plate on his Audi doesn’t do much when he tips people his 31 cents in change because ‘they didn’t even do that much.’ Honestly, I’ll just be happy if we can get him to stop asking, ‘What are yinz guys up to this weekend’ in that weirdly sterile tone of voice.”
“Also,” added Bachmann hurriedly, “if he asks me ‘Jeet jet?’ one more time, I’m going to punch him in the face.”
Other acquaintances of Thompson expressed equal confusion.
“I can’t tell if it’s serious or self-parody,” said former neighbor Tiara Walker. “He st ruts around in that ‘Keep Pittsburgh Shitty’ shirt, but won’t shut the hell up about ‘passive income.’ The ‘It’s Still Heinz Field to Me’ memes he posts are great and all, but maybe use that time to stop calling the city for our 71-year-old neighbor’s overgrown yard and help her handle it instead?”
Thompson used a request for comment to double-down on the source of his recently adopted identity.
“My kitchen speaks for itself,” he said, mentioning he hasn’t gone out to get his own groceries since 2018. “Mrs. T’s, Turner’s, Heinz — it’s all there. I might’ve grown up outside the city, but these blue-collar, black-and-gold habits go down hard, unlike this Yuengling, a beer truly made for a hard-working average Joe like myself.”
“Anyway, I’m pulling up DoorDash to get some Primanti’s,” he added with a smile. “Jeet jet?”
(Article credit → Joe Szalinski, @poetry_hugger)
POLISH HILL – Terminally ill Polish Hill resident Stanley Mroz has requested that his family turn him into kielbasa for purposes of research, according to sources attempting to say their goodbyes through discussions if brining human flesh “will take the edge off.”
“All the power to him,” said Mroz’s neighbor and cousin Gabriel Ludeso, “but not my power. Never again. I had a suspicion he would try something weird like this when he approached me at that party in ‘98 asking if I thought humankind could be ‘faster, stronger, and better complement a potato dish,’ so I relinquished his power of attorney a while ago.”
Other members of Mroz’s family expressed hesitation upon hearing his plan.
“Just another thing he does where he watches movies and gets unusual ideas,” said Mroz’s granddaughter Linda Stefinn, an expert in artificial intelligence. “He just re-watched Transcendence, so he asked me about trying to upload his consciousness into kielbasa, indefinitely extending his existence so he could keep doing kielbasa research on himself. He even seemed more sure of such a plan’s success if his human body became the kielbasa, too. Kind of wish he had put this kind of effort into making my softball games.”
Mroz addressed followers in a video on social media regarding his plea.
“This is the culmination of my studies,” he said as the video transitioned to a still of him pouring a kielbasa from one beaker to another. “I only hope in death I can continue to help others discover more regarding this wondrous sausage. At least, if I cannot change the world, perhaps I can be in its hearts, minds, and maybe even the stomach of some guy slammed at Gooski’s.”
At press time, Mroz had reportedly interrupted the priest’s last rites to ask him if Jesus had ever specified “an ideal fat ratio” for transubstantiation.
