Category: Nonsense (Page 5 of 17)

PPG PAINTS ARENA — Data gathered from the Pens first home game with fans in attendance since last March indicate that face masks appear to offer spectators almost no protection from the “insufferable shitheads” who won’t stop yelling two rows up.

“Sure, the mask helps muffle it a bit from blowing out your eardrum,” said fan and impromptu researcher Mark Ford, “but otherwise the evidence suggests that neither hot air gathering in the fabric nor fatigue from time away seems capable of stopping this jagoff from wooing like Ric Flair or telling a player whose name he doesn’t know that he sucks.”

As of press time, the Pens were urged, “yet again,” to shoot the puck despite the game not having started.

NORTH SHORE — Steelers fans remained cautiously optimistic this morning as NFL insiders have reported that the team is considered the front runner to sign former JV standout linebacker AJ Watt, amateur flag football backup kicker Stuart Watt, and former “refreshment manager” and Kenosha, WI hot dog-eating champion Bubba Watt, all of whom share a distant relation to the NFL’s Watt brothers.

As Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) deftly noted yesterday, for he is far too wise to have said it merely for convenient alliteration, President Biden’s renewed commitment to the Paris Agreement on climate change places the values of a socialist French metropolis over those shared by the rugged populace of Pittsburgh. The soot-covered, ash-covered laborers tolling about our city, be it in CMU’s steel mills or PNC Bank’s ore excavation center, will suffer from this brazen attempt to appease the cancel culture-loving hippy they call “Mother Earth.”

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