SWISSVALE — Local “booze expert” Harry Gibson suggested guests at a dinner party he attended this weekend would best complement their herb chicken entree with an “ice cold, well-aged” can of Lionshead beer he grabbed from the back of his fridge, according to sources still trying to get the smell out of the glassware.
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TORONTO — A research team commissioned by the NHL discovered a never-before-seen third commercial this morning, according to league sources telling FanDuel their ad will now only broadcast 7,000,000 times over the next several days.
Continue readingWhether on the air or yelling shrilly from her front porch, Maddy Judgeton never hesitates to give you the real, truth-seeking insight you can only get from a normative suburban woman who gets paid to be ‘edgy’ because people like listening to the news anymore. Today, Maddy tells you how to properly protest in the United States. (If you can’t see it, subscribe today at coil.com for access to this content and tons more satire:)
ST. LOUIS, Mo. — Pirates play-by-play announcer Greg Brown has already changed into an alternate pair of khakis during the team’s season-opening broadcast after “absolutely whitewashing” the first pair in cum from excessive excitement for baseball’s return, team sources hurriedly driving to a Target to buy more confirm.
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MARS — Hall-of-fame Penguins broadcaster Mike Lange reportedly expressed confusion and dismay yesterday after realizing team staff had pulled him from his cryogenic chamber in July instead of September.
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NORTH SHORE — Pirates owner and billionaire Bob Nutting greeted the Blue Jays organization today by including in each hotel room two coupons for a free appetizer on any otherwise full-priced stay at Seven Springs, sources who would’ve just been happy with a handshake confirm.
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BELLEVUE — Closely following the Riverhounds since their return to play, local “sports addict” Jack Mosley believes he has finally started to understand soccer except the game’s strategies, positions, most basic rules, and the name of Pittsburgh’s USL franchise, sources with two beers yelling “tackle him” report.
Continue readingWhat are you waiting for?!
Whoa whoa whoa — where do you think you’re going there, bud? Absolutely not. I can’t be letting you in wearing a shirt like that. This is a bar that knowingly defies all state regulations designed to protect people during a pandemic, not fashion anarchy.
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To the thousands who crowd the streets of Bloomfield every year for Little Italy Days:
The organizers of this annual event cannot thank you enough for the outpouring of support we’ve experienced. It’s what makes this message harder than ever.
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