CARNEGIE — Despite a recent uptick in COVID-19 cases in Allegheny County, local man Paul Wright continues to refuse to wear a mask in public because he believes it makes him look stupid, the 34-year-old confirmed today while lounging in a child’s pool in his “absolute favorite” ‘Drink Up Yinz Bitches’ cutoff.
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MYRTLE BEACH, S.C. — Myrtle Beach’s emergence as a COVID-19 hot spot has rendered the annual Sarcinelli family vacation “even more life-threatening than usual,” sources riding a go-kart blindfolded with a case of Keystone Light confirm.
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HAYS — “Community hero” Kevin Wilson punched through a car window yesterday to rescue a 30-pack of Iron City left in the backseat that would’ve otherwise turned “so warm you might only be able to stomach three or four of them,” according to sources hoping to pass a local ordinance to ensure it doesn’t happen again.
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It’s just the worst: you’re in one of the city’s hottest neighborhoods, idly protesting a horrific cycle of unchecked police brutality, when BOOM — you realize in the middle of being attacked by a chemical weapon outlawed in the Geneva Convention that you haven’t eaten ALL DAY.
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NORTH PARK — Local “running machine” Tim Liebermann determined the pace of his morning jog around the lake at North Park was far too quick to consider wearing a mask as he struggled through packs of also unmasked walkers, according to sources asking if anybody had some spare water between labored, saliva-spewing breaths.
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SOUTH BEND, Ind. — In light of the NCAA’s announcement decrying displays of the Confederate flag, administrators at Catholic-based Notre Dame expressed relief this morning that their university carries “totally no long-term connections whatsoever, now or ever” to any institution of disrepute, sources shaking their head repeatedly saying “nope” confirm.
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Well, they’re closing a bunch of them JCPenney’s, so let’s hit that up for some good deals. The fuck you mean I’m saying it wrong? We’re talking about that same shitty store in the mall with all the discounts and sales, right?
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HARRISBURG — “Vicious Nazi overlord” and Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Wolf faced a wave of criticism today for his COVID-19 response, “brutally” saving thousands of innocent lives, according to sources signing petitions to eliminate presidential term limits in favor of Donald Trump.
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PENN HILLS — Turner Dairy Farms announced today they will add a “sucrose-infused, high-performance sports beverage” to their line of commercial tea products.
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SQUIRREL HILL — Resident and “ally to the bitter end” Norm Schumann reportedly helped advance the black community’s cause today by placing a Black Lives Matter yard sign arbitrarily among the $30,000 of landscaping work he had done last week.
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