HAYS — “Community hero” Kevin Wilson punched through a car window yesterday to rescue a 30-pack of Iron City left in the backseat that would’ve otherwise turned “so warm you might only be able to stomach three or four of them,” according to sources hoping to pass a local ordinance to ensure it doesn’t happen again.
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It’s just the worst: you’re in one of the city’s hottest neighborhoods, idly protesting a horrific cycle of unchecked police brutality, when BOOM — you realize in the middle of being attacked by a chemical weapon outlawed in the Geneva Convention that you haven’t eaten ALL DAY.
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NORTH PARK — Local “running machine” Tim Liebermann determined the pace of his morning jog around the lake at North Park was far too quick to consider wearing a mask as he struggled through packs of also unmasked walkers, according to sources asking if anybody had some spare water between labored, saliva-spewing breaths.
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SOUTH BEND, Ind. — In light of the NCAA’s announcement decrying displays of the Confederate flag, administrators at Catholic-based Notre Dame expressed relief this morning that their university carries “totally no long-term connections whatsoever, now or ever” to any institution of disrepute, sources shaking their head repeatedly saying “nope” confirm.
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Well, they’re closing a bunch of them JCPenney’s, so let’s hit that up for some good deals. The fuck you mean I’m saying it wrong? We’re talking about that same shitty store in the mall with all the discounts and sales, right?
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HARRISBURG — “Vicious Nazi overlord” and Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Wolf faced a wave of criticism today for his COVID-19 response, “brutally” saving thousands of innocent lives, according to sources signing petitions to eliminate presidential term limits in favor of Donald Trump.
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PENN HILLS — Turner Dairy Farms announced today they will add a “sucrose-infused, high-performance sports beverage” to their line of commercial tea products.
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SQUIRREL HILL — Resident and “ally to the bitter end” Norm Schumann reportedly helped advance the black community’s cause today by placing a Black Lives Matter yard sign arbitrarily among the $30,000 of landscaping work he had done last week.
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ROUTE 28 INBOUND — Local woman Courtney Grendel expressed satisfaction this morning that she had to sit nearly 20 minutes in standstill traffic for the first time since stay-at-home orders were issued in March, according to sources colorfully reminding other motorists which pedal was the accelerator.
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By Owner and Intrepid Defender of Wealth John R. Block
Unwashed Youth, most of them sons and daughters of housemaids and workmen, gathered in the East Liberty neighborhood, dangerously in the vicinity of the residence of H. Frick.
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