SOUTH HILLS — In addition to honoring fallen veterans, members of various South Hills neighborhoods used today to remember those friends and family taken over the years by the North Hills, sources cursing Wexford confirm.
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MONROEVILLE — Local man Bob Hucko has excitedly announced that gatherers at his Memorial Day cookout may serve themselves now that the entree of heavily blackened chicken has been prepared “to world-class perfection.”
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PITTSBURGH — Penguins winger Jake Guentzel is reportedly panicking after having spent the entirety of quarantine consuming solely his signature milkshake from the Milkshake Factory instead of preparing for the 24-team conclusion to the 2020 NHL season as agreed on today.
“I wasn’t supposed to be back in time,” said a frantic Guentzel, hurriedly approaching an elliptical machine before a fit of dry heaves stopped him. “Jesus, what do I do? I guess start with something easy like jumping jacks, maybe. OK…one…two — oh God, I think I’m going to vomit chocolate sauce.”
As of press time, Sidney Crosby had allegedly agreed to come help Guentzel after finishing a plank exercise that he first started in March.
DALLAS — Leaked, “off-the-record” segments of Pat McAfee’s interview with Mark Cuban reveal that the Mt. Lebanon native — who also owns the Pirates, Penguins, and Essie’s Original Hot Dog Shop, has started scripting a new ending to ‘Game of Thrones,’ and single-handedly saved Pennsylvania’s economy — is preparing to go back in time and assassinate Nazi leader Adolf Hitler, just like he did with Soviet despot Joseph Stalin, thus sparing the country from his brutal reign and setting it on a path to become the capitalist utopia America Jr. as we know it today.
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DALLAS — Mavericks owner and Mt. Lebanon native Mark Cuban announced during the Pat McAfee Show yesterday that he intends to rewrite the ending to the HBO series ‘Game of Thrones’ to meet fan expectations, precisely as he did with long-running hit ‘The Sopranos.’
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HEMPFIELD — Baseball dad Bill Mortimer attended a Zoom meeting with his son’s coach yesterday wearing his wraparound sunglasses and menacingly striking the palm of his left hand with a fist, according to sources who had to insist repeatedly that they needn’t discuss matters in a parking lot over a few Miller High Lifes and a “wad of dip.”
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PITTSBURGH — Is the local economy collapsing? Researchers suggest it may be after another week of uncertainty forced only a dozen new craft breweries to open in the area, marking a substantial drop from the 39 that opened over the same period last week.
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MENLO PARK, Calif. — Social media giant Facebook plans to appeal to fathers throughout the Rust Belt with a new “half-hearted, ‘attaboy’-like pat on the back” emoji, the company confirmed this morning.
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TROY HILL — The children of local woman Terry Eichenlaub surprised her this Mother’s Day morning with a 24-ounce can of Coors Light and pack of Newport cigarettes while she rested in bed, according to sources with a “heart full of love and probably a fair amount of tar.”
“I got the best kids a mother could wish for,” said Eichenlaub, enthusiastically asking them which cigarette she should try first. “For my birthday, they laid on the Aqua Net and perfume thick for me so I could keep taking shooters before heading out to Buckhead’s, and now this. I really do have the greatest—HEY, KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF BEFORE I SMACK ONE OF YINZ UPSIDE THE HEAD.”
As of press time, the Eichenlaub family had allegedly arranged a day of “riveting cinema” for the matriarch, starting with the 1998 Hell in Cell match between the Undertaker and Mankind.
(This article was originally posted on The Omnibrow, a Pitt grad-led humor site, in 2011. It felt appropriate to indulge in some nostalgia as we approach Mother’s Day, so here it is.)
ROSS TOWNSHIP — Local elementary school educator Jerry Farnsworth, the fifth-grade teacher who inspired you to pursue a career in the natural sciences, is “rocking the shit out of [your mother],” she moaned in a statement today.
Mr. Farnsworth, 53, was seen approaching your mother during happy hour earlier this evening. Sources say Farnsworth sparked conversation with a witty biology quip, the one you quoted in your college essay about your academic role model.
After a round of Farnsworth’s amusing anecdotes, a skill that earned him your nomination as local educator of year, the two reportedly left the bar and hailed a nearby taxi.
It has been confirmed that Farnsworth, contrary to the adamant stance he took in fifth-grade sex education, has chosen not to wear a condom.
