As far as seasons go, winters are fairly predictable: they present characters basking in the pleasantness of Halloween or Thanksgiving, plunge them into a wretched tempest of overcast and polar vortexes, and then neatly wrap everything up with the coming of spring and the rebirth it embodies. Credits roll and people are content, if even a bit unsatisfied with how the New Year’s Eve scene played out, until the calendar rolls back around.
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BRENTWOOD — Local man Gus Naismith conceded today that his wife Linda’s Mexican cooking, “while it ain’t too shabby,” could never surpass what he ordered as an 11-year-old on his church’s “mission trip” to the former Chi Chi’s restaurant on McKnight Road in the North Hills.
Continue readingRoc the Panther shows 2020 grads his love — repeatedly.
PITTSBURGH AND SURROUNDING AREAS — Communities throughout Southwestern Pennsylvania are calling on health experts to start summarizing their comprehensive, data-heavy, life-saving information on COVID-19 in the form of a singular convenient Steelers analogy.
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POLISH HILL — Given a recent plateauing of local COVID-19 cases, Pens fan Mark Baronowski prematurely ended his quarantine this morning after it seemed that the virus had “no shot in hell” of staging a comeback, sources with “more important shit to do” confirm.
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TAMPA BAY — Following a trade that marked his return to the NFL, tight end Rob Gronkowski stated in a press conference yesterday he feels he still has “at least three, maybe four more” high-quality, debilitating injuries left in him before retiring for good.
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Oh my God, did you hear?! The O, an absolute legend for Pitt students and grads like me, is closing! It’s so sad that I might start crying. I mean, yeah, I would never go in there and actually buy food or anything, but I still didn’t want it to, like, shut down for good.
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OAKLAND — In a touching display, a mourner set a half-empty 40 of malt liquor and pile of grease-laden french fries on the Original Hot Dog Shop’s doorstep as a memorial to the now-closed eatery.
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*IMPORTANT NOTE FROM THE EDITOR* — UPDATED 5/21
Thank you dearly for actually reading this article before sharing it. When this post was published in April, it was purely satire. Now, Mark Cuban is, evidently, trying to buy the O. To that, the editorial board simply says this: LET’S GO, JAGOFF; TIME TO PROVE US WRONG OR LET THIS ARTICLE LIVE IN PERPETUAL GLORY UNTIL THE END OF DAYS.
OAKLAND — Pittsburgh-born mogul Mark Cuban announced today that he will invest in The Original Hot Dog Shop to save it from financial ruin, precisely as he did with the Pirates and Penguins franchises.
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