Welcome to Pittsburgh Unfiltered’s Santa Tracker 2019! We spent the night hunting down this wily son of a bitch to give you the most accurate updates on where Santa’s been and how his annual visit is faring. Find out for yourself below!
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‘Tis the season…to celebrate 50 degrees on Christmas and increased volatility of weather patterns, locally and worldwide. Sure, it means the Earth is being irrevocably altered by humanity, but it also means more of Pittsburgh’s favorite — er, well, as least most common — wintertime mood-setter: rain! Take it all in with this (equally as depressingly) crooned hit, Let It Rain.
Can’t get enough? Right-click the bar below and select ‘Save Audio As…’ to download the track and so it can follow you everywhere — kind of like, you know, the rain.
STRIP DISTRICT — Local woman Nicole Steadman is reportedly waiting to ask a vendor in the Strip District if they have their ‘Fuck Tom Brady’ T-shirt in kids sizes after determining it to be the ideal Christmas gift for her seven-year-old niece.
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PITTSBURGH AND SURROUNDING AREAS — Calling the move “the beginning of the end of climate change,” representatives of Giant Eagle announced today the company will phase out its one-item-per-bag policy to allow as many as two items per bag.
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PITTSBURGH AND SURROUNDING AREAS — Thrift store chain Goodwill reminded potential donors around Southwestern Pennsylvania this morning that their stores cannot accept torn clothing, inoperable appliances and electronics, or Mason Rudolph jerseys, according to sources who haven’t “seen this kind of mayhem since the great O’Donnell purge of 1996.”
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DOWNTOWN PITTSBURGH — A local judge issued introverted felon Seth Larson a sentence this morning of up to nine minutes in person at this Friday’s Light Up Night, aghast sources barely managed to confirm before fainting.
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ETNA — Fall temperatures have prompted local man Paul Novak to begin his now annual transition to “full-length jorts” that he personally fashioned from previously removed stretches of denim, according to sources contentedly looking at themselves in the mirror.
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CRAFTON — Sports journalist Dejan Kovacevic promised the family of a recently deceased opioid addict this morning that he “won’t back down” until Mayor Bill Peduto takes meaningful action to combat “the vicious cycle of suffering” perpetuated by the Pittsburgh Pirates’ current ownership, according to sources fiercely vowing Derek Bell will never harm anyone in this town again.
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MURRYSVILLE — Long-time Sheetz manager Robert McGrane tearfully revealed to shift staff this morning his recent diagnosis of colon shmancer, sources asking that everybody act as if everything were “totally shnormal” confirmed.
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BLOOMFIELD — Italians from around the region came together over the weekend to celebrate Christopher Columbus’ “noble mission” of convincing natives of the lands he visited to believe that Caliente’s Mee-Maw is in fact the “one true” pizza in America.
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