It’s time we got serious about this pandemic. I don’t know about you, but I have lots of older relatives in my family whom I want to keep safe, so I’ll say it loud enough for the people in the back: we must act NOW to protect local, at-risk seniors — except, of course, Edgar Snyder, for the Immortal Doombringer hath no need or want for our laughable strength.
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HARRISBURG — Having just realized Pennsylvania beer distributors were permitted to stay open, Pittsburgh resident Clint Price reportedly has “not a damn clue” what he is supposed to do with the lit Molotov Cocktail he intended to throw at the state capitol building.
Continue readingWhether self-imposed or government-enforced, this quarantining business is changing facets of life Pittsbughers value most. Chuck’s managed to deal with it so far…in a fashion.
As a guy from State College, I’ve seen the extreme ends of convenience store loyalty. Parties I’ve gone to have nearly burst into all-out civil war at the suggestion that Sheetz or Wawa puts together a superior Nacho Grande to the other.
Now, finally, I think I’ve helped settle this age-old battle once for all.
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TAMPA BAY, Fla. — After decades of conflict, “unlikable geezer” Tom Brady finally moved away to Florida, according to local sources pounding celebratory shots of Imperial alone in their kitchen.
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GREENFIELD — Local resident George Nowakowski decided he will place fault for today’s significant, out-of-season snow accumulation entirely on mayor Bill Peduto, the 71-year-old confirmed while muttering to himself this morning.
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PITTSBURGH — The NHL announced this afternoon it will suspend the regular season due to the Coronavirus, reportedly crushing local dad Michael Hupp’s plans to take his kids to their first Pens game before insisting they leave to beat traffic halfway in.
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SOUTH SIDE — With the cancellation of the annual St. Patrick’s Day parade, South Side-based bro Bryce Gardner assumes he will abandon plans to become extraordinarily intoxicated and only get “normal extra fucked up” instead.
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I heard the Old Mill’s opening back up. You should go down there and ask for a job. That’s a good honest job, working in a mill with your hands. You kids don’t know nothing about handjobs these days, but mark my words: a whole bunch of handjobs down at the Old Mill is just what this blue-collar town and Pittsburgh needs to be great again.
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Kennywood Park will work alongside the Pittsburgh Pirates to construct a new Pirates-themed roller coaster that consists of one uninterrupted precipitous drop, the park announced today.
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