I heard the Old Mill’s opening back up. You should go down there and ask for a job. That’s a good honest job, working in a mill with your hands. You kids don’t know nothing about handjobs these days, but mark my words: a whole bunch of handjobs down at the Old Mill is just what this blue-collar town and Pittsburgh needs to be great again.
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Kennywood Park will work alongside the Pittsburgh Pirates to construct a new Pirates-themed roller coaster that consists of one uninterrupted precipitous drop, the park announced today.
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PITTSBURGH — Officials at the Allegheny County Health Department issued an “urgent reminder” this morning for Sheetz customers to wash their hands thoroughly after they leave a smear of shit on the seat in one of the chain’s numerous locations in the region.
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PITTSBURGH AND SURROUNDING AREAS — In light of rising temperatures and unrelenting downpours, residents in the region have started transitioning to the latest spring trends in the seasonal affective disorder cycle, sources wishing they had just stayed home confirm.
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WEST VIEW — Lifelong resident and Guy Fieri lookalike Griff Ferrani has reportedly started a new YouTube series mimicking “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives,” in which he forgoes eateries to visit exclusively local dive bars.
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MUNHALL — Insisting he’s had enough for a whole family, local man Rudy Geller couldn’t “even think about” getting any more commitment to Christ at a local fish fry this afternoon, the 52-year-old recently confirmed.
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KYOTO — A foodie blogger from West Mifflin turned the culinary world on its head by adding smuggled Potato Patch fries on top of his sea urchin sushi while vacationing in Japan, baffled onlookers reported.
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The NHL trade deadline is less than a week away, and real fans everywhere — especially the lonely guy in the NHL-licensed Penguins beanie occupying the bar stool beside you — are fervently discussing what surprises might await as the season enters its final quarter-lap towards the playoffs.
So if you really are a fan, then you should already know these four completely untrue, unreasonable, or virtually impossible things about the Penguins that this man about to attack-talk you at the bar will suggest is Biblical fact anyway.
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MOUNT WASHINGTON — Hoping to avoid “looking cliche,” 79 guys lingering near the Grandview Overlook on Mt. Washington with their girlfriend reportedly plan to continue doing so until somebody else proposes first.
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Spend your car ride, clean the house, or blast loud things at your neighbors — you know, whatever — alongside Chuck, as he delivers incisive hot takes on jags from Google and the city’s air quality, talks the best Valentine’s Day deals from his cousin Rick, and leaves listeners with some words of wisdom.
