Chuck and Ronnie try to get Pat Narduzzi’s play calling back on track, discuss how to replace Roethlisberger for the remainder of the year, and check in on Pitt’s kick-ass women’s volleyball team.
Page 23 of 34
MORGANTOWN — Local man Dan Moore foolishly left a valuable partial case of Busch Light visible in the backseat of his car this morning while visiting Morgantown for today’s college football game, sources shaking their heads confirm.
“Amateurs think buying light offers extra protection,” said local resident Sandy Watson, noting that she secures her beer fridge via padlocks and a Rune Goldberg machine connected to shotguns. “On a game day, though, you might as well put a bow on that thing. Guess that poor son of a bitch has to learn one way or another.”
Sources said “that jackass” Moore recently returned to the vehicle only to put his signed Pitt football in the trunk “like anybody here gives a shit.”
LATROBE — Pittsburgh Brewing Company announced this morning the sudden release of I.C. Seltzer, a beer-flavored, 95-calorie hard seltzer beverage intended to compete with products like White Claw and Truly, according to sources who insist the product’s lettering won’t smudge as easily in the future.
Continue reading
NORTH SHORE — Pirates management reportedly celebrated this morning that PNC Park will host a lineup “even more over the hill” than theirs when the Green Day, Fall Out Boy, and Weezer tour heads there on August 15, 2020.
Continue reading
LATROBE — New Giant Eagle sales associate Trevor Burke, 18, puked several times before his first Steelers Sunday shift this morning as if he were a fledgling draftee preparing to attack Nazi fortifications on the beaches of Normandy, according to sources telling him to get his “shit together” if he wants to make it out alive.
Continue reading
OAKLAND, Calif. — Former Raiders WR Antonio Brown commissioned a billboard this morning thanking the city for “not a single goddamn thing” following his release from the team, sources waving the middle finger while leaving town report.
“May my shining legacy,” Brown stated, “be how much I wish the people of Oakland and the Raiders organization in particular to eat shit for all eternity.”
As of press time, Derek Carr was reportedly begging Brown to stop and let him get out from under his rear tires.
STUCK BEHIND A FOUR-DOOR SEDAN — Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin ensnared himself in bumper-to-bumper traffic on the northbound side of Veterans Bridge late yesterday afternoon, prompting analysts once more to question his ability to manage the clock in crucial situations.
Continue reading
GREEN TREE — Designated driver Tom Francis, 33, failed to earn a spot on the final roster of the “Black and Gold, Keg’s Ice Cold” tailgate despite the group’s desperate need for a fan at that position, sources despondently staring at their glass of water confirm.
Continue reading
SAINT PAUL, Minn. — Former Penguins player and assistant general manager Bill Guerin initiated impromptu hockey-style fights with numerous Minnesota Wild employees this morning to assert his dominance as the team’s new GM, sources holding ice packs to various parts of their face confirm.
Continue reading
PITTSBURGH — The Pirates organization immediately redeemed the season of struggling catcher Francisco Cervelli this afternoon by releasing him from the team, sources tearfully thanking God report.
Continue reading
