ETNA — Fall temperatures have prompted local man Paul Novak to begin his now annual transition to “full-length jorts” that he personally fashioned from previously removed stretches of denim, according to sources contentedly looking at themselves in the mirror.
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CRAFTON — Sports journalist Dejan Kovacevic promised the family of a recently deceased opioid addict this morning that he “won’t back down” until Mayor Bill Peduto takes meaningful action to combat “the vicious cycle of suffering” perpetuated by the Pittsburgh Pirates’ current ownership, according to sources fiercely vowing Derek Bell will never harm anyone in this town again.
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MURRYSVILLE — Long-time Sheetz manager Robert McGrane tearfully revealed to shift staff this morning his recent diagnosis of colon shmancer, sources asking that everybody act as if everything were “totally shnormal” confirmed.
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BLOOMFIELD — Italians from around the region came together over the weekend to celebrate Christopher Columbus’ “noble mission” of convincing natives of the lands he visited to believe that Caliente’s Mee-Maw is in fact the “one true” pizza in America.
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PPG PAINTS ARENA — Mike Lange thanked fans last night for their support over his 45 years of broadcasting with a touching series of sayings that objectively made no sense whatsoever, according to sources pretty sure “the cat better jump out the cradle because, baby, the chicken coop is burning” is a good thing.
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PITTSBURGH — Local lingerie company Put Me Yinzide You has generated widespread buzz regionally after its release of a controversial new sexy Bill Cowher costume.
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BIGELOW BOULEVARD — “Some complete fucking idiot” actually obeyed the posted speed limit of 35 mph on Bigelow Boulevard this morning, sources who couldn’t believe this shit report.
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To our dearest jag readers,
Hockey is certainly something not to be taken lightly, and when hoping to match wits angrily under the influence of a dozen domestics, it takes a certain breadth of knowledge to knock your counterpart into submission.
To that end, I present to you A Game of Violence: Three Periods and a Lot of Blood, a hockey tome aimed at providing the insight you need to demonstrate that you have way too much time on your hands and probably shouldn’t be allowed out in public.
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This excerpt is from Pittsburgh Unfiltered’s completely unlicensed hockey compendium A Game of Violence: Three Periods and a Lot of Blood, which will be made available as a free PDF download at the start of the Penguins season Thursday, October 3. Now get out there and demand blood while banging your head to ‘Enter Sandman.’
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This excerpt is from Pittsburgh Unfiltered’s completely unlicensed hockey compendium A Game of Violence: Three Periods and a Lot of Blood, which will be made available as a free PDF download at the start of the Penguins season on Thursday, October 3. We wanted to get, like, Scott Paulsen or our beer guy Vince to write a guest entry, but this goofball wouldn’t leave us alone, so enjoy — or whatever.
Hello reader,
My name is Gary Bettman and I’m the commissioner of the very popular, highly prosperous, and virtually controversy-free National Hockey League. You may have seen me, some of my colleagues, and good hockey friends – just ask them! – briefly between basketball highlights and high school softball coverage on the ESPN – yes, the very same you’re thinking of!
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