As the father of two young children, I’ve learned to think proactively. Taking a trip, having guests, any potential kinks to the routine — you just get an inkling for what’s going to stir the pot, so to speak. That’s why, when I look ahead to my kids’ future, I can’t help but be absolutely terrified. That’s right, I’m afraid that my children will live in a world where they will call Eli Manning ‘the football one’ of the family. Even now, I shudder.
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BROOKLINE — Vehement racist Jack Waldermann “can’t wait” for his chance to explain to video maker Dean Bog how his neighborhood “is like one big, loving family,” the 51-year-old reported Sunday between thinly-veiled euphemisms for his incredible level of prejudice.
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Let me start by saying, you’re welcome. I doubt you’d have been able to come this conclusion by your pathetic self, even if Double M yelled it right in your face and I quickly repeated it in words that were just different enough to make it sound somewhat novel afterwards.
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EASTON, N.J. — Weather around Pittsburgh on Christmas Eve and Day inspired crayon institution Crayola to create its latest shade of “uniquely depressing” gray, representatives at the company announced this morning.
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Welcome to Pittsburgh Unfiltered’s Santa Tracker 2019! We spent the night hunting down this wily son of a bitch to give you the most accurate updates on where Santa’s been and how his annual visit is faring. Find out for yourself below!
Continue reading‘Tis the season…to celebrate 50 degrees on Christmas and increased volatility of weather patterns, locally and worldwide. Sure, it means the Earth is being irrevocably altered by humanity, but it also means more of Pittsburgh’s favorite — er, well, as least most common — wintertime mood-setter: rain! Take it all in with this (equally as depressingly) crooned hit, Let It Rain.
Can’t get enough? Right-click the bar below and select ‘Save Audio As…’ to download the track and so it can follow you everywhere — kind of like, you know, the rain.
STRIP DISTRICT — Local woman Nicole Steadman is reportedly waiting to ask a vendor in the Strip District if they have their ‘Fuck Tom Brady’ T-shirt in kids sizes after determining it to be the ideal Christmas gift for her seven-year-old niece.
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PITTSBURGH AND SURROUNDING AREAS — Calling the move “the beginning of the end of climate change,” representatives of Giant Eagle announced today the company will phase out its one-item-per-bag policy to allow as many as two items per bag.
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PITTSBURGH AND SURROUNDING AREAS — Thrift store chain Goodwill reminded potential donors around Southwestern Pennsylvania this morning that their stores cannot accept torn clothing, inoperable appliances and electronics, or Mason Rudolph jerseys, according to sources who haven’t “seen this kind of mayhem since the great O’Donnell purge of 1996.”
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DOWNTOWN PITTSBURGH — A local judge issued introverted felon Seth Larson a sentence this morning of up to nine minutes in person at this Friday’s Light Up Night, aghast sources barely managed to confirm before fainting.
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