This excerpt is from Pittsburgh Unfiltered’s completely unlicensed hockey compendium A Game of Violence: Three Periods and a Lot of Blood, which will be made available as a free PDF download at the start of the Penguins’ season Thursday, October 3. The editor — pretty sure he goes by Chief — was a jagoff, but he begged us (/paid us handsomely in beer) to post this section first, so here goes nothing.
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HEINZ FIELD — Neither staff, students, or other guests attending Pitt’s Saturday afternoon game against Delaware know how former coach Dave Wannstedt managed to sneak a full keg of American Light into the student section, sources filling out an impromptu waiting list for keg stands confirm.
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PITTSBURGH INTERNATIONAL — Local man Mark McCall, 42, was reportedly able to provide his three kids significantly more details about Steelers running back Franco Harris than first President of the United States George Washington when passing their statues this morning at Pittsburgh International Airport.
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SHALER — Local father Pete Jones remains undecided how he will uniquely butcher new Penguins winger Alex Galchenyuk’s last name, the 56-year-old reported between comments on defenseman Erik “Gundersson” (Gudbranson) and forward Nick “Bugstot” (Bjugstad).
Continue readingChuck and Ronnie try to get Pat Narduzzi’s play calling back on track, discuss how to replace Roethlisberger for the remainder of the year, and check in on Pitt’s kick-ass women’s volleyball team.
MORGANTOWN — Local man Dan Moore foolishly left a valuable partial case of Busch Light visible in the backseat of his car this morning while visiting Morgantown for today’s college football game, sources shaking their heads confirm.
“Amateurs think buying light offers extra protection,” said local resident Sandy Watson, noting that she secures her beer fridge via padlocks and a Rune Goldberg machine connected to shotguns. “On a game day, though, you might as well put a bow on that thing. Guess that poor son of a bitch has to learn one way or another.”
Sources said “that jackass” Moore recently returned to the vehicle only to put his signed Pitt football in the trunk “like anybody here gives a shit.”
LATROBE — Pittsburgh Brewing Company announced this morning the sudden release of I.C. Seltzer, a beer-flavored, 95-calorie hard seltzer beverage intended to compete with products like White Claw and Truly, according to sources who insist the product’s lettering won’t smudge as easily in the future.
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NORTH SHORE — Pirates management reportedly celebrated this morning that PNC Park will host a lineup “even more over the hill” than theirs when the Green Day, Fall Out Boy, and Weezer tour heads there on August 15, 2020.
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LATROBE — New Giant Eagle sales associate Trevor Burke, 18, puked several times before his first Steelers Sunday shift this morning as if he were a fledgling draftee preparing to attack Nazi fortifications on the beaches of Normandy, according to sources telling him to get his “shit together” if he wants to make it out alive.
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OAKLAND, Calif. — Former Raiders WR Antonio Brown commissioned a billboard this morning thanking the city for “not a single goddamn thing” following his release from the team, sources waving the middle finger while leaving town report.
“May my shining legacy,” Brown stated, “be how much I wish the people of Oakland and the Raiders organization in particular to eat shit for all eternity.”
As of press time, Derek Carr was reportedly begging Brown to stop and let him get out from under his rear tires.
