STUCK BEHIND A FOUR-DOOR SEDAN — Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin ensnared himself in bumper-to-bumper traffic on the northbound side of Veterans Bridge late yesterday afternoon, prompting analysts once more to question his ability to manage the clock in crucial situations.
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GREEN TREE — Designated driver Tom Francis, 33, failed to earn a spot on the final roster of the “Black and Gold, Keg’s Ice Cold” tailgate despite the group’s desperate need for a fan at that position, sources despondently staring at their glass of water confirm.
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SAINT PAUL, Minn. — Former Penguins player and assistant general manager Bill Guerin initiated impromptu hockey-style fights with numerous Minnesota Wild employees this morning to assert his dominance as the team’s new GM, sources holding ice packs to various parts of their face confirm.
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PITTSBURGH — The Pirates organization immediately redeemed the season of struggling catcher Francisco Cervelli this afternoon by releasing him from the team, sources tearfully thanking God report.
Continue readingChuck and Ronnie never mind taking a little time from day, even at Conneaut Lake, to deliver more of the sports hot takes Pittsburgh needs, including a ruling on the AB helmet situation, decisive blame for the Pirates’ endless problems, and a deep look into Mercyhurst rowing.
OAKLAND — Citing concerns for public disruption and safety, South and North Oakland residents have jointly renewed their petition to cull the area’s overgrown freshmen population now during its prime migration period, neighborhood sources confirmed today.
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BLOOMFIELD — Little Italy Days visitor Paul Hillman reportedly looks most forward to trying the “authentically Italian” collision coverage offered by State Farm.
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NORTH SHORE — Owners of the Bloomfield Shursave IGA on Liberty Ave. intend to acquire the naming rights to Heinz Field at the conclusion of the 2021 season, according to sources reminding customers that dice games are forbidden in the parking lot.
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DOWNTOWN, NORTH SHORE — Adding to the fervor of the Picklesburgh event, Kraft Heinz announced today it plans to release a pickle-based sex toy by the end of 2019.
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I think my outburst at Kennywood was the final straw. It was Slovak Day and all our family was there. But in my defense, someone should have told me they took away the Log Jammer.
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