PITTSBURGH AND SURROUNDING AREAS — The Grim Reaper implored new intern Wendy Bell to “take it easy with the scythe” after witnessing her enthusiasm in reaping souls of the region’s seniors, according to sources wishing they had never transitioned her from the practice scythe.
Continue readingCategory: Current Events (Page 7 of 12)
STRIP DISTRICT — Small-batch craft whiskey producer Ye Olde Tyme Distillery intends to help combat the Coronavirus by offering jelly jars of “high-quality, artistically refined” hand sanitizer for $30 per unit, company sources revealed this morning.
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Hey, in case yinz didn’t hear, the start of April is a new beginnin’ fer Pittsburgh Unfiltered, headed up by me, yer ol’ football-lovin buddy Russ Hookgraver. Click here to read more and yinz enjoy!
CLEVELAND — Some total jag Browns fan unsurprisingly also likes that gross-ass Hunt’s ketchup, according to sources who probably love other terrible stuff, too.
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Hey, in case yinz didn’t hear, the start of April is a new beginnin’ fer Pittsburgh Unfiltered, headed up by me, yer ol’ football-lovin buddy Russ Hookgraver. Click here to read more and yinz enjoy!
HELL — Our jag mayor Bill Peduto reportedly sold his soul to Satan this morning for more of them dumb bike lanes that are gonna clog up them roads people just wanna drive fast on.
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Happy April to all yinz aht there!
I’m gunna hafta ask yinz to turn dahn yer walkman or whatever n listen up, we clear?
The investors dahn at Pittsburgh Unfiltered weren’t makin no scratch off the operation, what with a bunch of wannabe socialist jagoffs runnin the thing, so they brought in me, hard-workin’, American Flag n Terrible Towel-wavin’, Baldwin born n raised Russ Hookgraver to get business boomin again.
Now I was gunna start tuh get e’rything in order by firin all the staff and leavin them without health insurance. I mean, writin’ ain’t a real job, anyhow. I write stuff fer free all the time: death threats tuh sports radio hosts, lists fer when we go get food dahn at the Iggle, court-ordered apologies tuh my neighbors … you know, whole buncha stuff.
Once I realized, though, that none of them was a full-time employee, well, I decided there was only one thing fer ol’ Russ tuh do: put aht high-quality, pro-Pittsburgh content for all yinz folks to laugh at aht there. Stuff that red-, white-, blue-, black, and gold-blooded Americans like me would really get a kick aht of.
So sit back, pack in a few ‘rogis, and get yinzselves ready fer the new n improved Pittsburgh Unfiltered, with yer friend who’s always callin the cops fer yinz when he sees coupla hoodlums takin too long to walk dahn the street, Russ Hookgraver.
(Look, even the logo looks better. Kinda like the Pittsburgh Steelers! Get it? That’s the football team we all like n stuff.)
It’s time we got serious about this pandemic. I don’t know about you, but I have lots of older relatives in my family whom I want to keep safe, so I’ll say it loud enough for the people in the back: we must act NOW to protect local, at-risk seniors — except, of course, Edgar Snyder, for the Immortal Doombringer hath no need or want for our laughable strength.
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HARRISBURG — Having just realized Pennsylvania beer distributors were permitted to stay open, Pittsburgh resident Clint Price reportedly has “not a damn clue” what he is supposed to do with the lit Molotov Cocktail he intended to throw at the state capitol building.
Continue readingWhether self-imposed or government-enforced, this quarantining business is changing facets of life Pittsbughers value most. Chuck’s managed to deal with it so far…in a fashion.
As a guy from State College, I’ve seen the extreme ends of convenience store loyalty. Parties I’ve gone to have nearly burst into all-out civil war at the suggestion that Sheetz or Wawa puts together a superior Nacho Grande to the other.
Now, finally, I think I’ve helped settle this age-old battle once for all.
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TAMPA BAY, Fla. — After decades of conflict, “unlikable geezer” Tom Brady finally moved away to Florida, according to local sources pounding celebratory shots of Imperial alone in their kitchen.
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