Roc the Panther shows 2020 grads his love — repeatedly.
Category: Nonsense (Page 12 of 18)
BELLEVUE — Local man Ryan Erskine reportedly faced such extreme levels of boredom yesterday that he nearly started reading a full-length novel.
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Hey, in case yinz didn’t hear, the start of April is a new beginnin’ fer Pittsburgh Unfiltered, headed up by me, yer ol’ football-lovin buddy Russ Hookgraver. Click here to read more and yinz enjoy!
CLEVELAND — Some total jag Browns fan unsurprisingly also likes that gross-ass Hunt’s ketchup, according to sources who probably love other terrible stuff, too.
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Hey, in case yinz didn’t hear, the start of April is a new beginnin’ fer Pittsburgh Unfiltered, headed up by me, yer ol’ football-lovin buddy Russ Hookgraver. Click here to read more and yinz enjoy!
HELL — Our jag mayor Bill Peduto reportedly sold his soul to Satan this morning for more of them dumb bike lanes that are gonna clog up them roads people just wanna drive fast on.
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Happy April to all yinz aht there!
I’m gunna hafta ask yinz to turn dahn yer walkman or whatever n listen up, we clear?
The investors dahn at Pittsburgh Unfiltered weren’t makin no scratch off the operation, what with a bunch of wannabe socialist jagoffs runnin the thing, so they brought in me, hard-workin’, American Flag n Terrible Towel-wavin’, Baldwin born n raised Russ Hookgraver to get business boomin again.
Now I was gunna start tuh get e’rything in order by firin all the staff and leavin them without health insurance. I mean, writin’ ain’t a real job, anyhow. I write stuff fer free all the time: death threats tuh sports radio hosts, lists fer when we go get food dahn at the Iggle, court-ordered apologies tuh my neighbors … you know, whole buncha stuff.
Once I realized, though, that none of them was a full-time employee, well, I decided there was only one thing fer ol’ Russ tuh do: put aht high-quality, pro-Pittsburgh content for all yinz folks to laugh at aht there. Stuff that red-, white-, blue-, black, and gold-blooded Americans like me would really get a kick aht of.
So sit back, pack in a few ‘rogis, and get yinzselves ready fer the new n improved Pittsburgh Unfiltered, with yer friend who’s always callin the cops fer yinz when he sees coupla hoodlums takin too long to walk dahn the street, Russ Hookgraver.
(Look, even the logo looks better. Kinda like the Pittsburgh Steelers! Get it? That’s the football team we all like n stuff.)
It’s time we got serious about this pandemic. I don’t know about you, but I have lots of older relatives in my family whom I want to keep safe, so I’ll say it loud enough for the people in the back: we must act NOW to protect local, at-risk seniors — except, of course, Edgar Snyder, for the Immortal Doombringer hath no need or want for our laughable strength.
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As a guy from State College, I’ve seen the extreme ends of convenience store loyalty. Parties I’ve gone to have nearly burst into all-out civil war at the suggestion that Sheetz or Wawa puts together a superior Nacho Grande to the other.
Now, finally, I think I’ve helped settle this age-old battle once for all.
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GREENFIELD — Local resident George Nowakowski decided he will place fault for today’s significant, out-of-season snow accumulation entirely on mayor Bill Peduto, the 71-year-old confirmed while muttering to himself this morning.
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I heard the Old Mill’s opening back up. You should go down there and ask for a job. That’s a good honest job, working in a mill with your hands. You kids don’t know nothing about handjobs these days, but mark my words: a whole bunch of handjobs down at the Old Mill is just what this blue-collar town and Pittsburgh needs to be great again.
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