BELLEVUE — Closely following the Riverhounds since their return to play, local “sports addict” Jack Mosley believes he has finally started to understand soccer except the game’s strategies, positions, most basic rules, and the name of Pittsburgh’s USL franchise, sources with two beers yelling “tackle him” report.
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What are you waiting for?!
Whoa whoa whoa — where do you think you’re going there, bud? Absolutely not. I can’t be letting you in wearing a shirt like that. This is a bar that knowingly defies all state regulations designed to protect people during a pandemic, not fashion anarchy.
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To the thousands who crowd the streets of Bloomfield every year for Little Italy Days:
The organizers of this annual event cannot thank you enough for the outpouring of support we’ve experienced. It’s what makes this message harder than ever.
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CARNEGIE — Despite a recent uptick in COVID-19 cases in Allegheny County, local man Paul Wright continues to refuse to wear a mask in public because he believes it makes him look stupid, the 34-year-old confirmed today while lounging in a child’s pool in his “absolute favorite” ‘Drink Up Yinz Bitches’ cutoff.
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MYRTLE BEACH, S.C. — Myrtle Beach’s emergence as a COVID-19 hot spot has rendered the annual Sarcinelli family vacation “even more life-threatening than usual,” sources riding a go-kart blindfolded with a case of Keystone Light confirm.
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HAYS — “Community hero” Kevin Wilson punched through a car window yesterday to rescue a 30-pack of Iron City left in the backseat that would’ve otherwise turned “so warm you might only be able to stomach three or four of them,” according to sources hoping to pass a local ordinance to ensure it doesn’t happen again.
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It’s just the worst: you’re in one of the city’s hottest neighborhoods, idly protesting a horrific cycle of unchecked police brutality, when BOOM — you realize in the middle of being attacked by a chemical weapon outlawed in the Geneva Convention that you haven’t eaten ALL DAY.
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NORTH PARK — Local “running machine” Tim Liebermann determined the pace of his morning jog around the lake at North Park was far too quick to consider wearing a mask as he struggled through packs of also unmasked walkers, according to sources asking if anybody had some spare water between labored, saliva-spewing breaths.
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SOUTH BEND, Ind. — In light of the NCAA’s announcement decrying displays of the Confederate flag, administrators at Catholic-based Notre Dame expressed relief this morning that their university carries “totally no long-term connections whatsoever, now or ever” to any institution of disrepute, sources shaking their head repeatedly saying “nope” confirm.
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