DOWNTOWN PITTSBURGH — The Post-Gazette’s Editorial Board completed its latest piece urging “compassion and understanding” in only four minutes last week after simply replacing every instance of Antwon Rose II’s name in an article from March 2019 with George Floyd, sources now saving the template as black_man_police_healing.docx confirm.
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WEXFORD — Calling it “just the worst,” local mother Sally Reinhardt is reportedly still standing at her polling machine in search of a button to conveniently vote against 400 years of deep-rooted, state-sanctioned racism.
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CARNEGIE MELLON UNIVERSITY — A bot exposed to hours of Pens talk via radio broadcasts, podcasts, and audio transcripts of Twitter threads startled researchers this week by learning to utter ‘Matt Murray sucks’ with a distinct slur of a person under the influence of alcohol or choking on their own rage, sources trying to stop it from calling 93.7 the Fan again confirm.
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ROBINSON — Kenny Chesney fan Rob Peterson would join protests against restrictions that have delayed the country star’s event at Heinz Field, were he not still on house arrest from his actions at the last concert two years ago, according to sources not legally permitted to drive again until 2023.
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HIGHMARK STADIUM — State officials have reportedly granted a waiver request made by the Riverhounds Soccer Club to allow fans into games despite yellow phase restrictions on the grounds that it is “highly improbable” attendance would ever exceed 25 persons.
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FOREST HILLS — KDKA viewers expressed their outrage this morning after new reporter Hannibal Lecter wore his state-mandated muzzle to a scene where he led police to buried human remains even though nobody was near enough for him to infect with COVID-19 or brutally murder.
“I’d like Mr. Lecter to give me the FACTS, not spread irrational fear,” said Facebook user Debbie Thurston in a comment on his report. “Also, don’t think I missed the subtle way he repeatedly licks his lips and says ‘delicious’ between sentences to make sure we keep looking at his face. KDKA obviously just cares more about scaring viewers than whatever this report was about. Honestly, I was so furious I didn’t get the chance to watch the story at all.”
As of press time, more viewers were reportedly posting their dismay on social media after photos surfaced of Lecter still wearing the muzzle in his car, even though he had stuffed the other person a safe distance away in the trunk.
SOUTH HILLS — In addition to honoring fallen veterans, members of various South Hills neighborhoods used today to remember those friends and family taken over the years by the North Hills, sources cursing Wexford confirm.
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MONROEVILLE — Local man Bob Hucko has excitedly announced that gatherers at his Memorial Day cookout may serve themselves now that the entree of heavily blackened chicken has been prepared “to world-class perfection.”
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PITTSBURGH — Penguins winger Jake Guentzel is reportedly panicking after having spent the entirety of quarantine consuming solely his signature milkshake from the Milkshake Factory instead of preparing for the 24-team conclusion to the 2020 NHL season as agreed on today.
“I wasn’t supposed to be back in time,” said a frantic Guentzel, hurriedly approaching an elliptical machine before a fit of dry heaves stopped him. “Jesus, what do I do? I guess start with something easy like jumping jacks, maybe. OK…one…two — oh God, I think I’m going to vomit chocolate sauce.”
As of press time, Sidney Crosby had allegedly agreed to come help Guentzel after finishing a plank exercise that he first started in March.
DALLAS — Leaked, “off-the-record” segments of Pat McAfee’s interview with Mark Cuban reveal that the Mt. Lebanon native — who also owns the Pirates, Penguins, and Essie’s Original Hot Dog Shop, has started scripting a new ending to ‘Game of Thrones,’ and single-handedly saved Pennsylvania’s economy — is preparing to go back in time and assassinate Nazi leader Adolf Hitler, just like he did with Soviet despot Joseph Stalin, thus sparing the country from his brutal reign and setting it on a path to become the capitalist utopia America Jr. as we know it today.
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