Roc the Panther shows 2020 grads his love — repeatedly.
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PITTSBURGH AND SURROUNDING AREAS — Communities throughout Southwestern Pennsylvania are calling on health experts to start summarizing their comprehensive, data-heavy, life-saving information on COVID-19 in the form of a singular convenient Steelers analogy.
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POLISH HILL — Given a recent plateauing of local COVID-19 cases, Pens fan Mark Baronowski prematurely ended his quarantine this morning after it seemed that the virus had “no shot in hell” of staging a comeback, sources with “more important shit to do” confirm.
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TAMPA BAY — Following a trade that marked his return to the NFL, tight end Rob Gronkowski stated in a press conference yesterday he feels he still has “at least three, maybe four more” high-quality, debilitating injuries left in him before retiring for good.
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Oh my God, did you hear?! The O, an absolute legend for Pitt students and grads like me, is closing! It’s so sad that I might start crying. I mean, yeah, I would never go in there and actually buy food or anything, but I still didn’t want it to, like, shut down for good.
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OAKLAND — In a touching display, a mourner set a half-empty 40 of malt liquor and pile of grease-laden french fries on the Original Hot Dog Shop’s doorstep as a memorial to the now-closed eatery.
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*IMPORTANT NOTE FROM THE EDITOR* — UPDATED 5/21
Thank you dearly for actually reading this article before sharing it. When this post was published in April, it was purely satire. Now, Mark Cuban is, evidently, trying to buy the O. To that, the editorial board simply says this: LET’S GO, JAGOFF; TIME TO PROVE US WRONG OR LET THIS ARTICLE LIVE IN PERPETUAL GLORY UNTIL THE END OF DAYS.
OAKLAND — Pittsburgh-born mogul Mark Cuban announced today that he will invest in The Original Hot Dog Shop to save it from financial ruin, precisely as he did with the Pirates and Penguins franchises.
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PITTSBURGH AND SURROUNDING AREAS — Mrs. T’s Pierogies announced yesterday that the company will release new potato and cheddar face masks available immediately in grocery chains throughout the region.
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FREEDOM — Local mother Nina Mosesso cautioned her kids this morning to clean their room or else she would march up there and, “as God is [her] witness,” administer the Pennsylvania System of School Assessment exams as punishment, sources hurriedly putting stuff away to avoid algebra confirmed.
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