Whether self-imposed or government-enforced, this quarantining business is changing facets of life Pittsbughers value most. Chuck’s managed to deal with it so far…in a fashion.
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As a guy from State College, I’ve seen the extreme ends of convenience store loyalty. Parties I’ve gone to have nearly burst into all-out civil war at the suggestion that Sheetz or Wawa puts together a superior Nacho Grande to the other.
Now, finally, I think I’ve helped settle this age-old battle once for all.
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TAMPA BAY, Fla. — After decades of conflict, “unlikable geezer” Tom Brady finally moved away to Florida, according to local sources pounding celebratory shots of Imperial alone in their kitchen.
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GREENFIELD — Local resident George Nowakowski decided he will place fault for today’s significant, out-of-season snow accumulation entirely on mayor Bill Peduto, the 71-year-old confirmed while muttering to himself this morning.
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PITTSBURGH — The NHL announced this afternoon it will suspend the regular season due to the Coronavirus, reportedly crushing local dad Michael Hupp’s plans to take his kids to their first Pens game before insisting they leave to beat traffic halfway in.
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SOUTH SIDE — With the cancellation of the annual St. Patrick’s Day parade, South Side-based bro Bryce Gardner assumes he will abandon plans to become extraordinarily intoxicated and only get “normal extra fucked up” instead.
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I heard the Old Mill’s opening back up. You should go down there and ask for a job. That’s a good honest job, working in a mill with your hands. You kids don’t know nothing about handjobs these days, but mark my words: a whole bunch of handjobs down at the Old Mill is just what this blue-collar town and Pittsburgh needs to be great again.
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Kennywood Park will work alongside the Pittsburgh Pirates to construct a new Pirates-themed roller coaster that consists of one uninterrupted precipitous drop, the park announced today.
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PITTSBURGH — Officials at the Allegheny County Health Department issued an “urgent reminder” this morning for Sheetz customers to wash their hands thoroughly after they leave a smear of shit on the seat in one of the chain’s numerous locations in the region.
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PITTSBURGH AND SURROUNDING AREAS — In light of rising temperatures and unrelenting downpours, residents in the region have started transitioning to the latest spring trends in the seasonal affective disorder cycle, sources wishing they had just stayed home confirm.
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