Pittsburgh Unfiltered

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GetGo Now Offering Pumpkin Spice Tire Air

October 23, 2025 /

GREATER PITTSBURGH AREA — Regional convenience store chain GetGo has unveiled pumpkin spice tire air available immediately to all customers, sources report.

“This exciting new product will act as a perfect complement to our fall offerings like pumpkin spice lattes, pumpkin milkshakes, and the ‘Jack-O-Lantern’ — our chicken sub lathered in pumpkin bisque and then deep fried to perfection,” spokesperson Jan Fulner told reporters. “You’ve been helping yourself to our free air for almost two decades at this point, and now, for a small premium, you’ll be able to fill your tires to your designated PSI using our new patented pumpkin spice technology. Sure, there will be no access to our unscented free air while the seasonal product is offered, but who wouldn’t want to spice up their tires as part of a $250 trip to Trax or Soergel Farms?”

Customer Tamika Hillis was confused and irritated by the new offering.

“The only reason I seek out GetGo is so I don’t have to pay three bucks to fill up my tires, which I obviously have to do more frequently now that it’s getting colder outside,” Hillis said. “The fact that it was free made it tolerable to awkwardly park and wait next to the person who’s always already there filling up their tires. Now I have to pay ten dollars for my tire air just so it smells vaguely like a pumpkin as it’s coming out of the hose? Maybe they should pump it into their bathrooms instead.”

Hillis continued, becoming visibly angrier as she spoke.

“Not everything has to be this pumpkin bullshit, you know?” Hillis noted. “I love to wear hoodies and watch the leaves change color as much as the next person, but having these nasty-ass coffees and beers that taste like pumpkin pie that somebody vomited sugar all over isn’t going to help me enjoy a season that, thanks to the climate change that companies like these are directly causing, is getting shorter and shorter every year. And now you’re telling me that I’m going to be subjected to this when I go to fill up my tires? Fuck that. I’ll just go to Sheetz. Their little product nicknames are stupid, but at least their air doesn’t smell like anything.”

At press time, Sheetz had also announced new “Pumpkin Shpice” tire air, free with purchase of a car wash featuring “Pumpkin Shpice Shoap.”

Article by Steve Packosky (@dontbaketheloaf.bsky.social)

Aaron Rodgers Caught Watching “Loose Change” Instead of Game Film Again

October 15, 2025 /

SOUTH SIDE – Steelers quarterback Aaron Rodgers was once again caught watching 2005 9/11 conspiracy documentary “Loose Change” instead of his assigned game film in preparation for their Thursday night match-up against the Bengals, exasperated sources report.

“I’ve discussed this with Aaron,” Mike Tomlin told reporters, “and we both agree that it’s time for him to brush up on the Bengals’ defense and how they’ve adapted their rushing game after Trey Hendrickson’s back injury. A movie with a narrative about how the hole left in the Pentagon on 9/11 was inconsistent with what Boeing 757s had made in prior accidents isn’t going to prepare him for Al Golden’s 4-3 base as well as actual game film does. We both now feel the conspiracy stuff is better utilized in his personal life. He looks better in a black and gold helmet than a tinfoil one, anyway.”

However, Rodgers seemed to have a different understanding of the issue.

“Coach T and I have both agreed that he’d benefit from opening up his mind a bit,” Rodgers noted. “In fact, it seems everybody here would, because you have no idea what’s going on in the world. Maybe doing some research instead of pumping your bodies with vaccines and Tylenol would help you all to realize Big Pharma’s been pulling the wool over your eyes for years. And when it comes to 9/11, do you honestly think our government had nothing to do with it? Please.”

When pressed on what all of this had to do with his performance on the field, he continued.

“The issue has been taken care of,” Rodgers said cryptically. “You can return to your safe little bubbles with your Netflix and your Jimmy Kimmel, and leave the football to me. It’s obvious that you believe your reality is limited to what your senses are telling you. Have you ever been on a life-changing Peruvian ayahuasca journey? I have, and if I feel my enhanced awareness of my surroundings leads me down alternative paths to ensure I’m at the top of my game, I will pursue them. By the way, did you know there were eyewitness reports of unrelated explosions at the ground level of the North Tower?”

At press time, Rodgers was seen trying to goad Broderick Jones into watching the rest of the movie with him.

Article by Steve Packosky

@dontbaketheloaf.bsky.social

Local Man Who Didn’t Drink All Preseason Seamlessly Puts in Week 1 Bender Gem

September 8, 2025 /

BRIGHTON HEIGHTS — Local boozing veteran Dave Wisnewski “looked better than ever” during his alcohol binge for the first week of the NFL season despite not drinking for the entirety of the preseason, amazed sources still finding crushed beer cans he stowed away reported Sunday night.

“You hear all the stories about how these older guys can’t hack it,” said Wisnewski’s neighbor Sam Hutchinson, 28. “Everybody says they’ve got too much going on between the back spams, the elbow they hyperextended playing horseshoes, the dialysis—the whole shebang. Then my buddy Dave comes in here and puts up 15 beers and eight shots of Fireball in six hours like he hasn’t missed a beat.”

“Turning the clock back, this guy,” added Hutchinson.

General managers in the local bar circuit expressed uncertainty when Wisnewski, entering his 25th season of football-adjacent alcohol consumption, agreed to a modest deal to drink nothing but Michelob Ultra late this off-season.

“You see these long-time stalwarts try to ride out a few couple years of glory,” said evening shift manager Isiah Ward. “Then the grueling off-season interventions are just too much so they retire to coffee shops and go to bed at 8 p.m. You can imagine my shock, then, when Dave rolls in at 10 after fours weeks off and throws up a statline of five Coors Light aluminums, two packs of cigarettes, and six dart games in an hour, all while tidily throwing up in an unoccupied lot instead of ours. Even his mistakes show signs of veteran leadership.”

Despite the prevailing sense of surprise, some evaluators had pegged Wisnewski for a huge comeback.

“Was last season a glamorous display of beer-soaked excellence? No,” said analyst Peter Walker. “But Wisnewski still wasn’t a chump: he averaged 8.4 beers a game while only pissing himself 0.46 times for every three sidecars of Old Grandad he ordered. If he had lined up beside even competent bar mates via the PBF (Pro Boozehound Focus) metrics, he almost certainly would’ve performed near career-level rates. One guy can only do so much.”

Even with an exemplary Week 1 performance, Wisnewski insisted he would “get right back to the Xs and Os,” as soon as he figured out where he had accidentally had the Uber driver drop off him.

As One of the Angels Some Kid Asked To Help the Pirates Win the Pennant, How the Fuck Am I Supposed To Do It With This Lineup?

September 2, 2025 /

We’re slowly moving to an (incredibly modest) Patreon model, featuring digital material for $1 a month and printed zines for $3, with the occasional post here and there on the site. Check it out >>here<<.

OK, when I answered the prayer from that 12-year-old in Brighton Heights, I figured this would just be another routine job. You know the drill: boost a leftie behind the plate here, scatter a seeing-eye single around the outfield there, and bam! They’re in the playoffs and we’re suddenly and inexplicably forbidden from continuing to help them cheat. However, that whole strategy winds up in the shitter when Bob Nutting is involved. Seriously, how the fuck am I supposed to do this?

How can we possibly help a team win when their entire business model is centered around lining the pockets of one man? There’s only so much we can do for an organization with one of the lowest payrolls in the league. These guys aren’t playing for free, and guess what happens when they show any promise? Does the name Gerrit Cole sound familiar? What, you think we weren’t involved with those three feeble playoff appearances last decade? That’s the best we can do here, and trust me, we’re not getting anywhere close to that in the Year of Our Lord 2025. Not if the ownership isn’t willing to part with enough cash to get halfway decent bats into the lineup.

So yeah, enjoy Paul Skenes while you still have him. We’ve been cheesing that fastball all season, but do you think a team that’ll almost certainly refuse to pay him what he’s worth will keep him once he’s arbitration eligible? We’re angels who serve an omnipotent, omnipresent and omniscient god, but we’re not fucking magicians. We can’t even help Tommy Pham with a throw to home plate without him making jack-off gestures and threatening to punch us in the face.

Man, that kid really needs to do some research before he prays to us, or ask for something a bit more tenable, like a stronger offensive line for the Steelers or for Sidney Crosby to magically revert back to the age of 21. Hell, having us force Bob Nutting into retirement would do more than any number of Cruz missiles we’re assigned to send into the right field stands, but what do I know? I’m just a loyal soldier of the firmament who does what he’s told. It’s not for me to ask questions, so I’ll just shut my mouth and turn this 10-1 loss to the White Sox into a 10-4 loss. You’re welcome, kid.

Article by Steve Packosky (spackosky@gmail.com)

a school hallway closed off for 7 miles with a construction sign

PennDOT Worker Turned Elementary School Janitor Places Seven Miles of Cones Around Vomit Puddle

June 5, 2025 /

SPRING HILL – Local elementary school janitor Herb Grobowski reportedly used seven miles of orange traffic cones to block off a student’s vomit puddle which itself measured approximately one foot in circumference, confused sources report.

“I worked for PennDOT for twenty years before coming here, so I feel like a lot of the skills I gained were directly applicable to this job,” Grobowski said. “The second I saw that I needed to clean up the small patch of floor in the hallway just outside the art classroom, I automatically referred to my training and blocked off the space necessary for me to sprinkle on some sawdust before putting the mop to it. I’m eternally grateful to the training I received at PennDOT for helping me get my work done so quickly and efficiently.”

Fourth grade teacher Eileen Chung reacted to Grobowski’s methods with equal parts surprise and frustration.

“I really don’t understand why this much barren space needs to be reserved for such a small area of work,” Chung complained. “I tried to walk my class to the cafeteria, and instead we’ve had to squeeze into single file while snaking back and forth through seemingly unending corridors of those cones. Where was he even keeping them, anyway? There must be thousands of them. At any rate, we don’t have time in our day for a two-hour walk to get lunch. This is just not a feasible situation.”

Principal Geraldine Leed weighed in on the ordeal.

“I’m going to have to sit down and have a chat with Herb about his approach to his work,” Leed sighed. “I’ve heard nothing but complaints from the staff since he took over our custodial duties. Apparently one line of kids made it through all seven miles of cones, only to see him idly texting on his phone next to the vomit puddle. At the very least, I’m thinking about instituting a training program for new janitors so they don’t end up using methods learned from their prior vocations. We might put up with this approach on the turnpike, but we have to draw the line here.”

At press time, Grobowski was put on administrative leave after offering to keep the cones up for three months before addressing the vomit puddle.

(Article by Steve Packosky)

Struggling Church Gives Powerful Homily How Jesus Won Big on FanDuel.Com

March 31, 2024 /

PITTSBURGH — Facing “insurmountable financial hardship,” a local Catholic parish altered today’s Easter homily to focus on less traditional canon of Jesus’s resurrection in favor of emphasizing how he “absolutely raked in the big bucks from the comfort his of grave” by using FanDuel.com, according to sources praying for pointers on today’s slate of MLB games.

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